Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Abe  Martin's 
Almanack 

By  Kin  Hubbard 


CONTENTS  FOR  1909 

History  of  the  Days Prof.  Alex  Tansey 

An  agreeable  mixture  of  the  romantic  and  didactic 

The  Relation  of  the  Turnip  to  Early  Journalism 

Hon.  Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart 

Heroism  and  hardships  of  the  frontier  editor 

The  Only  Hotel  in  Town        ....       Lafayette  Bud 
A  stirring  narrative  with  several  character  studies 

The  Ice  Cream  Cone  vs.  the  Legitimate  Channels  of  Trade 

Ex -Cashier  Tell  Binkley 

A  timely  and  comprehensive  article  on  finance 

Questions  and  Answers        .     .     .      Miss  Fawn  Lippincut 
Pithy  replies  to  vexatious  queries 

Review  of  the  Melodeon  Hall  Stage   .  Miss  Germ  Williams 
Lesser  lights  of  the  drama  that  have  thrilled  the  rural  playgoer 

Scattered  Observations Abe  Martin 

Short  paragraphs  covering  a  multitude  of  subjects 

And  many  anecdotes  and  essays  bearing  on  the 
seasonable  changes 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  THE  AUTHOR 


Abe  Martin  Publishing  Company 
Indianapolis 


COPYRIGHT  1908 


I  ^  O'] 


To  Thomas  Edwin  Hubbard 

Whose  vocal  gifts  endear  him  to  all  our  flat 
and  who,  wise  beyond  his  one  year,  holds  the 
chair  of  philosophy  in  the  Abe  Martin  night 
school  of  tranquil  thought. 


ivi222432 


Thanks  are  due  to 

The  Indianapolis  News  for  permission  to 

republish  much  of  the  material 

in  this  volume 


Abe  Martin 

of  Brown  County,  Indiana 


The  artist.  Kin  Hubbard,  *s  so  keerless 
He  draws  Abe  'most  eyeless  and  earless; 
But  he's  never  yit  pictured  him  cheerless 

Er  with  fun  'at  he  tries  to  conceal — 
Whuther  onto  the  fence  er  clean  over 
A-rootin*  up  ragweed  er  clover, 
Skeert  stiff  at  some  "Rambler"  er  "Rover" 

Er  new  fangled  automobeel. 

■—James  Whitcomb  Riley 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


THE  FIRST  ALMANACK 

By  MISS  GERM  WILLIAMS 

The  first  almanack  printed  in  Europe  was 
probably  the  Kalendarium  Novum  and  was 
gotten  up  by  a  chap  named  Regiomontanus. 
It  was  published  at  Buda,  Hungary.  It  sold 
readily  for  ten  crowns  of  gold,  the  publisher 
getting  nine  crowns  and  a  half  out  of  a  pos- 
sible ten.  This  was  in  1475,  so  it  will  be 
seen  that  even  at  that  early  period  the  im- 
pression prevailed  among  publishers  that  an 
author  cared  little  or  nothing  for  money. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Many  a  woman  wouldn't  recognize  her 
husband  if  she  saw  him  in  congenial 
society. 

S2 

Th*  first  thing  t'  turn  green  in  th' 
spring  is  Christmus  jewelry. 


S2 


What  is   it    that    likes    t*  shop    all    day 
an'  never  closes  th'  car  door? 


S2 


Folks  that  used  t'  go  home  when  they 
couldn't  go  nowheres  else  now  go  t'  th* 
five-cent  the-aters. 


January 


1 


2 


Black   Janiveer   starts   the   world   off 

anew, 
Good  resolutions  and  breakovers,  too. 


HISTORY   OF  THE   DAYS 


Including  Popular  Festivals  and  Holi- 
days; Matters  Bearing  on  the  Season- 
able Changes;  Notable  Events  and 
Customs;  Biographies  and  Anecdotes; 
a  Mingling  of  the  Agreeable  and  In- 
structive. 
By  PROFESSOR  ALEXANDER  TANSEY 


A  young  Roman  named 
Numa  Pompilius  made  January 
the  first  month  of  the  year, 
adding  two  months  to  the  ten 
into  which  the  year  had  previ- 
ously been  divided,  thus  making 
the  present]  complete  series  of 
seasonable  changes. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


The  merry-making  on 
New  Year's  Eve  and 
New  Year's  Day  dates 
far  back  beyond  the 
time  of  Queen  Anne. 
One  of  the  most  popu- 
lar styles  of  celebration 
was  for  the  head  of  the 
house  to  assemble  the 
family  around  a  large 
oaken  growler  of  spiced 
booze.  After  each 
member  became  thor- 
oughly soused  the  word 
that  passed  among 
them  was  the  old  Seixon 
phrase  "wass  hael"  (to 
your  health!).  The 
poorer  classes  crow^ded  the  downtow^n  ale 
houses  and  as  the  hour  grew  late  they  passed 
into  the  Sunday  room  and  continued  the  fes- 
tivities till  the  sun  appeared  over  the  brow 
of  the  hill,  when  they  reeled  home. 

In  our  own  country  today  the  same  manner 
of  observance  obtains  in  no  small  degree,  all 
stiffness  of  age,  profession  and  rank  loosening 
up.  Many  of  us  look  back  over  the  year  just 
closed,  and  sum  up  all  that  we  have  stood 
for,  all  that  we  have  licked  up,  things  that  we 
have  done  or  neglected  in  that  regretted  time 
and  resolve  to  hit  the  straight  and  narrow 
trail  and  save  a  little  money  for  food  and 
clothing. 


PROF.  ALEX  TANSEY 


January 


The  first  Monday  following  the  twelfth  day 
of  January  is  Plow  Monday.  It  is  strictly  a 
rustic  Festival  and  marks  the  end  of  the  Christ- 
mas holiday  season. 


January  fourteen  is  St.  Hilary's  Day  and 
marks  the  greatest  frost  of  all  time.  On  this 
day,  in  1205,  began  a  frost  that  continued  till 
the  twenty-second  day  of  March,  beans  selling 
per  quarter  at  a  half  a  mark. 


On  January  twenty-first  comes  St.  Agnes' 
Eve,  which  w^as  originally  set  aside  as  a  holi- 
day, or  eve,  for  the  women  folk  and  girls. 


3 


5 


6 


JUtfurBbag 

7 


8 


9 


When  writing  home  for 
money  please  mention  Abe 
Martin's  Almanack. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

There's    never   any    false   bottom    in    a 
peck  o'  trouble. 


Th'  hard  times  is  puttin'  hoarded 
money  in  circulation.  A  feller  up  at 
Hartford  City  wants  t'  sell  a  fifty-cent 
piece  that  wuz  made  in   1810. 


January 


QUESTIONS  AND  ANSWERS 

CONDUCTED  BY  MISS  FAWN  UPPINCUT 

Is  it  proper  to  accept  an  invitation  to  go  to 
the    theater   from  a   young  man   you  despise? 

Carmen. 
Answer — Yes,  if  the  play  is  upHfting. 

I  have  a  retreating  chin.     What  must  I   do? 

Zaza. 
Answer — Place  either  hand  over  it  constantly 
while  in  public. 

How  may  I  bring   the   bloom  to  my  cheeks 
for  at  least  two  hours  at  a  time?  Belle. 

Answer — Rub   them    severely   for   one    hour 

with   a   potato    brush.      The    bloom  will    often 

last  until  after  the  curtain  goes 

up  and  in  some  instances  until 

the  middle  of  the  first  act. 


10 


11 


SFuwiag 
12 


13 


Sliuraiiag 
14 


3ffrtJitag 
15 


©aluriaB 
16 


MISS  FAWN  UPPINCUT 
Redting  "CURFEW" 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


I  am  so  anxious  to  become  a  great  actress. 
Is  a  girl  safe  on  the  stage?  Helene. 

Answrer — Yes,  if  she  stays  on. 

Is  roller  skating  elevating?  Grace. 

Answer — Yes,  for  the  floor  manager. 

Is  it  proper  to  ask  the  young  man  you  in- 
tend to  marry  how  large  his  salary  is?    Myrt. 

Answer — If  you  are  bright  and  tactful  there 
are  many  ways  you  may  arrive  at  a  fair  idea 
without  causing  your  intended  to  perjure 
himself. 

Can  you  suggest  some  harmless  remedy  for 
a  warped  view^  of  life?  Kenneth. 

Answer — Don't  let  me  forget  to  mail  you, 
sealed  and  free  of  all  cost,  a  booklet  explain- 
ing how  you  can  muff  your  wife's  first 
biscuits. 

Is  it  proper  to  ask  a  young  man  to  call  that 
you  met  in  a  skating  rink?  Louise. 

Answer — It  all  depends  on  what  system  you 
are  using. 

How  may  I  avoid  an  India  tint  complexion 
and  sleep  late  and  eat  baking  pow^der 
biscuits?  Vera. 

Answer — We  do  not  furnish  addresses. 

How  shall  I  make  a  one-egg  meringue? 

Thrifty. 
Answer — Use  one  egg. 


January 


Miss  Germ  Williams  is  makin*  great 
headway  with  her  school  work.  She  kin 
almost  read  th'  signature  t*  a  typewritten 
letter. 

It  takes  a  general  t*  git  along  happily 
with  a  well-off  wife. 


17 


JHnniag 
18 


aiurabtig 
19 


20 


Sljuraftag 
21 


Jrilnag 
22 


g>aturbag 
23 


January  20,  1908— Army   cir- 
cles shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  dope  fiends  o*  Indynoplus  er  goin' 
t'  make  a  display  o*  fancy  needle  work 
at  th'  State  Fair  next  fall. 

You  never  git  what  you  want  fer 
Christmus  after  you  grow  up. 

S2 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  wrote  her  name 
on  a  egg  a  year  ago  yisterday,  an'  t'day 
she  got  a  letter  from  a  actor  dated  at 
Upper  Sandusky,  Ohio. 

S2 

On  account  o'  th'  panic  young  Lafe 
Bud's  baby  is  cuttin'  his  teeth  on  certi- 
fied checks. 

A  real  statesman  kin  talk  without 
mussin'  his  hair. 


January 


Pinky  Kerr  says  he  kin  remember 
when  they  used  t'  line  derby  hats  like  a 
coffin. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  has  dropped  out  o' 
th*  K.  of  P.'s  an'  joined  a  suit  club. 


&Uttbag 
24 


25 


26 


27 


28 


3Fribag 
29 


Saturbaa 
30 


A  village  reporter  actually 
balancing  on  a  regulation  safety 
bicycle  while  he  jots  down  the 
muddy  condition  of  the  streets. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Mart  Beasley  always  takes  a  couple  o* 
eggs  an'  a  bean  blower  when  he  goes  t' 
th*  the-ater.  He  went  t*  school  at  Ann 
Arbor. 

S2 

Th*  safest  way  t*  double  your  money  is 
t'  fold  it  over  once  an*  put  it  in  your 
pocket. 

Ther*  haint  no  health  resorts  fer  a 
guilty  conscience. 

Th*  only  way  t*  entertain  some  folks  is 
t*  talk  to  *em  'bout  themselves. 

If  everbuddy  thought  before  they 
spoke  ther*  wouldn'  be  enough  noise  in 
this  world  t'  scare  a  jaybird. 


January 


Every  allowance  within  reason  should 
be  made  fer  th*  father  o*  a  baby  boy. 

I  wonder  if  the  time  11  ever  come  agin 
when  steak  for  supper  will  be  a  mere 
episode?  ,„- 

Once  in  a  long  time  you  find  enough 
relatives  on  speakin'  terms  t'  hold  a 
family  reunion. 


J 


31 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Did  you  ever  notice  how  a  feller 
smiles  after  he*s  put  a  lot  o*  relatives  on 
th*  train  fer  home? 

You  can't  git  away  from  yourself  by 
walkin'  out  in  th*  country. 


S2 


Th*  feller  that  kin  drink  a  quart  with- 
out showin*  it  haint  in  it  with  th*  feller 
that  kin  show  a  quart  without  drinkin'  it. 

S2 

An  ole  granny  is  a  feller  that  hangs 
his  hat  in  th*  same  place  th*  year  'round. 


} 


February 


1 


2 


3 


4 


5 


&aturlkag 
6 


Bleak  February,  dreary  and  gray. 
If  it  be  Leap  Year,  has  a  twenty-ninth 
day. 


February  comes  in  like  a  big, 
husky  country  girl  with  a  tinge 
of  red  on  her  cheek  that  looks 
as  though  it  might  have  been 
placed  there  with  a  stencil. 
Sometimes  she  seems  to  shrink, 
and  at  other  times  she  seems 
to  push  forward  as  if  followed 
by  a  drummer. 

In  this  country  the  second  | 
day  of  February  is  called 
Ground  Hog  Day.  On  this  date 
the  little  animal  peeps  out  of 
his  home  on  the  hillside  after 
his  long  winter's  sleep.  If  the 
weather  is  dark  and  threaten- 
ing he  emerges  and  walks 
about   his  home    premises  and     | 

( 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


gets  things  ready  for  the  spring  rush  —  the 
farmer  taking  this  activity  as  a  sign  of  warm 
weather;  if  the  day  is  bright  and  sunshiny 
the  ground  hog  quickly  retires  at  the  first  sight 
of  his  shadow.  This,  the  farmer  thinks,  is  an 
unmistakable  sign  of  six  more  w^eeks  of  winter 
V  weather  and  he  returns  to  his  checker-board. 


The  fourteenth  day  of  February  is  St.  Val- 
entine's Day,  it  is  a  much  degenerated  festival, 
the  only  observance  of  any  note  consisting 
merely  of  the  sending  of  anonymous  letters  by 
the  humbler  classes.  In  the  earlier  centuries 
the  day  was  marked  in  a  much  different  style, 
and  many  pretty  customs  made  the  anniver- 
sary notable;  young  dandies  w^ishing  to  find 
favor  w^ith  some  fair  damsel  would  cause  to 
be  placed  under  her  notice  large  reels  of 
poetry  breathing  a  profession  of  strong  attach- 
ment in  every  line  and  honeyed  throughout 
with  compliments  to  her  various  perfections. 
It  w^as  an  easy  matter  for  a  long-haired,  senti- 
mental chap  that  was  handy  with  a  pen  to 
win  out  the  pride  of  the  villeige  in  those  days. 
The  system  of  today  is  widely  different.  Most 
any  young  snip  with  a  well-creased  suit  of 
clothes  and  some  nerve  can  accomplish  ten 
times  as  much  with  a  pair  of  theater  tickets 
as  the  poetic  lover  of  the  fourteenth  century 
could  bring  to  pass  with  ten  thousand  miles 
of  verse. 

4. 

The  twenty-second  day  of  February  is 
Washington's  Birthday.  It  is  generally  ob- 
served by  school  children  throughout  the 
United  States.  Washington  was  our  first 
President.  He  held  on  for  two  terms  and 
refused  the  third.  He  did  not  have  the 
genius    of    Julius    Caesar    or    Napoleon    Bona- 


February 


parte,  but  he  had  a  good  private  secretary 
and  managed  to  get  by  in  a  manner  entirely 
satisfactory  to  the  people  of  his  day. 

George  Washington  never  meddled  in  the 
municipal  affairs  of  Cleveland,  Ohio,  nor 
double-crossed  a  country  postmaster;  he  never 
bothered  his  head  about  the  birth  rate  or 
called  up  an  Associated  Press  representative 
every  time  the  papers  failed  to  contain  some- 
thing about  him.  Washington  was  a  great 
general,  too,  on  the  side,  and  crossed  the 
Delaware  in  a  skiff  and  occasionally  shot  a 
little  game  for  the  house  unaccompanied. 


7 


8 


9 


10 


11 


3Fr!iay 
12 


&aluriag 
13 


February    10,    1908.— Army 
circles  shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

In    selectin*    a    cantaloupe    remember 
that  beauty  is  only  skin  deep. 


Z^        7///% 


It's  purty  hard  t*  tell  which  sets  th' 
worst  table,  a  Bryan  banquet  or  a  Repub- 
lican love  feast. 


February 


14 


THE  ONLY  HOTEL  IN  TOWN  ^^ 

BY  LAFE  BUD 

The    landlord    of    the   only   hotel    in   town 

wears    his    hat    when    he    walks    through    the 

dining  room  and  lives  with  his  family  in  the 

pretty    part    of    town;    he 

has  a  shifty  gaze  and  finds 

his    amusement   at    home; 

he    is    a    close    contractor 

and  buys  his  canned  corn 

by  the  case  and   his  boil- 
ing meat  at  catchweights; 

the    only    time    he    ever 

smiles  is  when  some  guest 

threatens    to    stop    at    the 

other  hotel.  His  clerk  is 
a  fellow 
that  has 
failed  at 
everything 
but  pen- 
manship. 
Behind  the 
register  he 
assumes 
the  seri- 
ousness of 

one  who  has  just  written  a  his- 
tory of  the  world.  He  likes 
to  put  a  fancy  date  line  in 
colored  inks  across  the  top  of 
the  register;  he  eats  in  a  se- 
cluded corner  of  the  dining 
room  where  the  guests  can  not 
see  his  eggs  and  chats  in  an 
animated  and  gossipy  manner 
with  the  fattest  -waitress.    Aside 

I  from  keeping  the  railroad  time 
table  in  his  noodle  his  is  a  lazy, 


15 


16 


17 


18 


19 


20 


THE  LANDLORD 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


careless  existence  free  from  all  the  brainracking 
responsibilities  of  life. 

It  is  always  impossible  for  a  traveler   to  get 
out   of    a  _ — -^ 

one-hotel  C^  y=^ 

town  un- 
der one 
day,  and 
many  tales 
of  hard- 
ship a  re 
told  by 
drummers 
w^ho  have 
been  de- 
tained on 
account  of 
railroad 
accidents 
or  other  causes, 
of 


THE  ONLY 


I   remember   an   experience 
my  own  in  a  northern  Ohio  village  in  1898. 


1  was  selling  spectacles  and,  of  course,  anxious 

to  get  out  of  town 
as  soon  as  possible. 
I  had  been  at  the 
only  hotel  in  town 
for  three  hours  and 
had  gathered  my  lug- 
gage together  and 
was  approaching  the 
clerk  to  settle  w^hen 
I  felt  a  light  tap  on 
my  shoulder.  Wheel- 
ing about  1  stood 
face  to  face  w^ith 
the  landlord.  I  shall 
never  forget  the 
fiendish  expression  on  his  face  as  he  told  me 
in  a  low,  chuckling  voice  that  No.  18  had 
been  abandoned  and  that  I  would  be  unable 
to    get    away  before    noon    the    following    day. 


SEIZED  WITH  INDECISION 


February 


When  1  recovered 
the  landlord  had 
fled,  leaving  me 
alone  with  the  clerk. 
Watching  my  chance 
I  slipped  out  through 
the  ladies'  entrance 
and  stood  for  some 
moments  in  the 
shadow  of  a  tree. 
A  fierce  blizzard 
was  raging  and  had 
driven  the  few  strag- 
gling villagers  from 
the  street  into  the 
pool  room 


ESCAPING 


21 


22 


23 


24 


25 


26 


^aturiag 
27 


With 

one  bound  I  was  beyond  the 
city  limits  and  running  madly 
through  the  fine,  blinding  snow 
in  a  northerly  direction.  I 
soon  fell  exhausted  and  was 
picked  up  at  Tiffin,  Ohio,  and 
carried  to  the  nearest  white 
settlement. 


Ahe  Martin's  Almanack 

A  sweet  temper  comes  in  handy  dur- 
in*  a  hot  spell. 

Th*  practice  o'  law  is  th'  steppin'  stone 
t*  th*  best  farm  in  th*  county. 


S2 


Th'  feller  that  talks  'bout  th'  weather 
haint  knockin'  some  one,  anyhow. 

Th'  first  thing  a  boy  should  do  after 
he  graduates  from  school  is  t'  begin  t' 
repay  his  parents. 


S2 


Th'  well-dressed  stranger  that  tried  t' 
sell  a  lightnin'  rod  t'  Tilford  Moots  yis- 
terday  has  been  identified  an'  he  belongs 
t'  a  well-t'-do  family  at  Newcastle,  that  is, 
his  father  has  never  been  arrested. 


February 


Too   many  fellers   become  lawyers  jist 
t'  git  somethin*  better. 


S2 


It's  a  wise  delegate  that  takes  his 
badge  off  before  he  goes  in  a  resturint 
er  a  barber  shop. 

S2 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  waz  up    t'  Indy- 
noplus  on  th'  cars  yisterday.     She's  gittin' 
t'  be   quite  a   traveler   an' 
dutthsu        ^^^    Tide   with  th'  window 
28  down. 


ABE  MARTIN  IN  1876 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Did  you  ever  see  a  pompous  feller 
step  on  a  match? 

Th'  man  that  retires  from  business  be- 
fore he  dies  soon  gits  in  th*  way. 

Th'  worst  o*  all  th'  optimists  is  th'  fel- 
ler that  thinks  everything  he  has  is  th' 
best. 

Constable  Newt  Plum's  married  daugh- 
ter treated  her  hired  girl  jist  like  a  guest 
an'  she  stayed  almost  three  weeks. 


S2 


Tipton  Bud  is  back  from  Denver  an' 
he  says  it's  a  fine  place  t'  visit  if  you've 
got  relatives  there  an'  shave  yourself. 


March 


1 


2 


3 


4 


3Frtbag 
5 


6 


Old    windy    March,    first    month    of 

Spring, 
Flat  dwellers  grow  restless  and  janitors 

sing. 


March   is    the    first    month  of 
Spring    and    the    farmer   begins 
to  wonder    how  many    circus 
tickets  he  will  be  able  to  pull 
down  for  allowing    his  barn  to 
be  decorated  with    flaring   pos- 
ters.    In  the  country  village  the  j.-^ 
children    romp    on    the    green  * 
while   the  older    folk    gather  in 
front  of  the  postoffice  and  dis- 
cuss   the    forw^ard    season,    the 
prospects    for   a    full    crop    of 
dandelions,  how^  they  have  bat- 
tled   through    the    long,    hard  , 
winter,  and,  in  speaking  of  the  ! 
cost  of  living,  they  talk  in  low  \ 
w^hispers.     Huddling  still  closer  j 
together    they  ask    one  another  i 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


what  is  meant  by  the  physical  valuation  of 
railroads.  Spring  plowing  soon  relegates  great 
national  issues  to  the  rear  and  a  long,  hot 
season    of    toil    confronts    our    country    friends. 


The  fourth  day  of  March,  every  four  years, 
is  Inauguration  Day  at  Washington,  D.  C.  It 
is  a  one-sided  celebration  in  that  only  one- 
half  of  the  country  warms  up  to  it.  Generally 
on  that  day  a  Republican  President  either 
succeeds  himself  or  some  other  Republican  in 
spite  of  the  popular  vote  of  the  country. 
Occasionally   a    Democrat    takes    advantage    of 

\  the    low  rates  and    pays  a  visit    to   relatives  in 

i  Baltimore. 


The  Seventeenth  day  of  March  is  St.  Pat- 
rick's Day.  St.  Patrick  was  born  about  the 
year  372  and  stolen  by  pirates  at  the  age  of 
sixteen  and  sold  into  slavery  in  Ireland.  His 
career  was  a  notable  one  in  many  respects 
but  the  thing  that  brought  him  everlasting 
distinction  was  driving  the  snakes  out  of  Ire- 
land. This  he  did  by  beating  a  drum,  striking 
it  with  such  fervor  that  it  sprained  his  wrist. 
St.  Patrick  did  not  care  for  brass  as  he  could 
not  smoke  and  play  at  one  and  the  same  time. 


March 


A  promoter  is  a  sort  of  a  well-dressed 
hobo. 

For   most   people  a  vacation    is  only  a 
change  o'  venue. 


7 


8 


9 


10 


11 


12 
13 


March  9,  1 908.— Army  circles 
shocked. 


\ 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

A  actor  alius  gits  married  on  th*  day 
;    he  gits  a  divorce. 

If  your  wife  likes    th*  same    folks    you 
do  it  makes  it  some   easier. 


S2 


Th'    next    thing    we  know  th*   patent 
medicine  people  will   form  a  liver  pool. 


S2 


Th*  time  fer  a  brass  band  t*  play  an* 
folks  t'  give  flowers  is  when  somebuddy 
gits  well  an*  not  when  they  don*t. 


S2 


Th*  feller  that  enjoys  a  little  promi- 
nence in  his  own  town  thinks  everbuddy 
he  meets  away  from  home  ought  t*  know 
*bout  it. 


March 


TIME 

BY  TELL  BINKLEY 

Time  is  one  of  those  things  which  can  not 
be  defined.  We  only  become  sensible  of  it 
through  life  insurance  premiums,  toward  which 
it  may  therefore  be  said  to  bear  a  relation 
and  through  which  means  w^e  are  able  to 
associate  it.  The  life  of  a  well  constituted 
man  will,  under  fair  circumstances,  last  seventy 
years,  though  writers  of  patent  medicine  liter- 
ature cite  many  instances  where  the  one 
hundred  mark  has  been  reached  through  close 
observance  of  the  directions.  The  illustrations 
accompanying  these  statistics  almost  invariably 
show  the  venerable  subject  as  being  possessed 
of  deep  set  eyes  at  no  great 
distance  apart,  and  neatly 
trimmed  chin  w^hiskers  with 
the  hair  line  dropped  at  least 
one  inch  from  the  lower  lip, 
the  intervening  space  being 
kept  closely  mowed.  These 
w^ell  "  preserved "  old  fellow^s 
always  live  off  the  railroad, 
somewhere  in  Minnesota  or 
Wisconsin. 


14 


15 


16 


17 


18 


19 


#alnriag 
20 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Home  is  th*  best  lodge  an'  th*  obliga- 
tion is  the  purtiest  an*  simplest  in  th' 
world. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  that  ever 
time  she  sees  an  ugly  married  woman 
she  wonders  how  her  father  made  his 
money. 


March 


You  can*t  make  a  punctured  friendship 
as  good  as  new, 

A  married  man  would  rather  |eat  at  a 
hut-tel  anytime  but  he  won't  admit  it. 


S2 


Some  fellers  can't  go  out  o'  town  fer  a 
day  without  buyin'  a  red,  white  an'  blue 
cane. 


21 


22 


23 


ai^IinpaJiag 
24 


QIt|urBlkag 
25 


3Frtbag 
26 


Saturday 
27 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

I  wish  somebuddy  would   make  a  new 
Republican  speech. 

A    delegate    alius    walks    by  a  resturint 
three  times  before  he  goes  in. 


S2 


It  often  happens  that  a    feller  s    useful- 
ness ends  when  his  salary  is  raised. 


S2 


A  Californy  man  can't  make  a  speech 
without  boostin'  th'  natural  resources  of 
his  state. 

S2 

Uncle  Niles  Turners  nephew  from 
Rockville  is  visitin'  at  his  home  an*  eatin' 
at  th'  hut-tel. 


March 


If    ther  s    anything    in    a   name  a  cigar 
manufacturer  11  git  it  out. 


S2 


O^ 


Uncle  Ez  Pash  has  voted  th'  Dimmy- 
cratic  ticket  free  o'  charge  all  his  life. 


S2 


It  must  be  nice  t*  live  in  th*  city  an' 
understand  lawn  mower  jokes  an'  pick 
your  milk  off  th'  window  sill. 


r^^ 


28 


29 


30 

Mf^ittraJiag 
31 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


A  tireless  party  worker  is  a  feller  that's 
got  t'  make  a  livin'  somehow. 

There  seems  t'  be  enough  people  that 
pretend  t*  like  grand  opery  t*  make  it  pay. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  that  when 
she  feels  discouraged  an*  all  down  an'  out 
she  jist  thinks  o'  th*  Thaw  family  an* 
cheers  up. 

S2 

Th*  feller  that  paints  his  name  on  th* 
under  side  o*  his  umbrella  never  fergits 
his  change. 


April 


1 


2 


9aturlkag 
3 


Uncertain  April,  sunshine  and  showers, 
Soggy   wet    stockings    and    faded  silk 
flowers. 


In  the  ancient  Alban  calen- 
dar, where  the  year  was  repre- 
sented as  consisting  of  ten 
months  of  irregular  lengths, 
April  stood  first  with  thirty-six 
days.  When  Numa  Pompilius 
framed  up  a  calendar  he  placed 
April  in  fourth  place  with 
twenty-nine  days  and  so  it  re- 
mained until  Julius  Caesar's  at- 
tention was  called  to  it.  He 
ordered  a  lot  of  new^  calendars 
struck  off  and  April  appeared 
thereon  with  thirty  days. 


The  first  day  of  April  is  All 
Fools*  Day  and  is  consecrated 
to    practical  fooling    in    various 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


countries.  The  literature  of  the  last  century 
makes  many  allusions  to  the  practices  of  the 
day.  One  journal  says,  "And  so  a  bunch  of 
giggling  servant  maids  despatched  a  simple 
swain  to  the  florist's  for  a  crown's  w^orth  of 
electric  light  bulbs,  etc.,  etc."  It  is  quite 
popular  in  this  country  for  ultra  jocular  per- 
sons to  carry  out  some  silly  hoax  on  the 
unsuspecting  and  the  day  is  often  fraught 
with  much  merriment. 


April  twenty-third  is  St.  George's  Day.  If 
Gibbon's  history  of  St.  George  may  be  trusted 
he  was  a  toady  and  a  four-flusher  of  the  most 
finished  type.  He  stalled  around  about  303, 
and  in  all  the  wide  domain  of  the  mythical, 
nothing  has  ever  approached  the  preposterous- 
ness  of  his  dragon  story. 


Easter  Day  is  always  the  first  Sunday  after 
the  full  moon,  which  happens  upon  or  the 
next  day  after  the  twenty-first  day  of  March; 
if  the  moon  happens  to  be  full  on  Sunday, 
Easter  Day  is  the  next  Sunday  thereafter.  It 
is  one  of  three  great  Festivals  of  the  Christian 
year,  the  other  two  being  Christmas  and 
Whitsuntide. 

The  old  Easter  customs  that  still  linger  vary 
considerably  in  form  in  different  parts  of  the 
world.  Egg-rolling,  lifting  and  heaving,  church 
going,  parading,  drinking  and  ball  playing  all 
come  in  for  their  share  of  attention.  In  this 
country  it  is  considered  quite  an  accomplish- 
ment to  eat  fifteen  hard-boiled  eggs  at  one 
sitting  or  to  appear  on  the  street  clad  in 
everything  new^,  including  a  parasol.  For  a 
husband  and  wife  to  appear  together  thus 
arrayed  is  the  cause  for  much  speculation. 


April 


A  feller  is  often  called  thrifty  when 
he's  really  broke. 

Th'  feller  that  don't  think  o'  nothin' 
but  money  kin  always  turn  t'  his  relatives 
fer  sympathy. 


Sunday 
4 


6 


8 


3Frtiag 
9 


&aturiag 
10 


A  village  reporter  accosting 
a  total  stranger  and  securing  a 
splendid    item    for    the    society 


page. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Two  kin  live  cheaper  than  one  —  but 
that  one  never  happens  t'  be  th*  feller 
youVe  married. 


A  pocket  piece  is  th'  nickel  you  hold 
out  on  your  butcher  t'  ride  home  on 
when  it  rains. 


April 


THE  ICE-CREAM  CONE  vs.  THE  LEGITIMATE 
CHANNELS  OF  TRADE 

By   EX-CASHIER  TELL   BINKLEY 


Owing  to  the  tendency  of  the  times  it  is 
peculiarly  difficult  to  foresee  with  any  degree 
of  accuracy  what  may  happen  in  1909.  The 
year  w^ill  undoubtedly  contain  the  usual 
twelve  months  and  will  comprise  the  latter 
part  of  the  1 33d  and  the  beginning  of  the 
1 34th  year  of  American  Independence  and 
New  Year's  Day  will  be  the  2.417.579th  day 
since  the  beginning  of  the  Julian  Period. 

While  it  is  generally  conceded  that  the 
business  stagnation  which  is  general  the 
country  over  as  I  write  has 
been  brought  about  by  the 
President's 
crusade 
against 
dishonesty 
in  high 
places,  I 
have  at 
hand  many 
expres- 
sions to 
the  con- 
trary by  a 
multitude 
of  distin- 
guished 
thinkers 
and    men 


11 


12 


13 


14 


15 


IFriJiag 
16 


17 


w^ell  up  m 
the  coun- 
cils of  the 
nation.      It 


MR.  BINKLEY 


is  the  opinion  of 
some  that  the  gulf  stream  is 
changing    its    course;    that    the 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


ice  cream  cone  is  taking  millions  out  of  the 
legitimate  channels  of  trade;  that  the  moral 
wave  is  causing  many  more  thousands  to  be 
taken  from  the  tills  of  the  rumshops  and 
conveying  them  into  the  hands  of  poverty 
stricken  mothers  and  children,  ^rho  in  turn 
place  them  with  the  nickel  theater;  that  the 
abolition  of  the  saloon  in  many  localities  has 
only  caused  many  men  to  tighten  up  that 
paid  their  bills  w^hen  flushed  with  wine.  In 
these  calculations  the  argument  is  also  made 
that  the  growing  disposition  to  own  an  auto- 
mobile after  making  only  one  payment  is  in 
no  small  degree  causing  much  uneasiness  in 
business  circles.  Our  panic  has  been  a 
deplorable  thing  and  to  my  own  knowledge 
no  less  than  eighteen  hundred  people  were 
caught  that  had  just  made  their  first  payment 
on  a  rug  or  piano.  What  will  become  of 
them  unless  confidence  is  restored  is  only  to 
be  conjectured. 

In  the  face  of  all  the  complications  of  the 
present  time  I  do  not  deem  it  advisable  to 
offer  any  prognostications  bearing  either  on 
earthly  or  astronomical  affairs. 


April 


Th*  feller  that  leads  a  parade  alius  has 
t*  borrow  a  hat. 

S2 

Many  a  feller  has  killed  his  chances 
by  wearin*  a  plug  hat. 

S2  \^ 

It's  nice  t*  live  in  a  little  town,  where 
even  a  cow  kin  git  her  name  in  th' 
paper. 


18 


19 


20 


21 


22 


23 


^aluriag 
24 


April  21,  1908— Army  circles 
shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

It's  purty  hard  t'  be  interestin*  without 
embellishin'  th'  truth  a  little. 

Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  is  gittin*  t'  be  quite 
a  writer.  She  sent  three  recipes  t*  th* 
newspapers  last  week  that  showed 
marked  literary  ability. 


S2 


Misses  Tawney  Apple  and  Fawn  Lip- 
pincut  went  t'  Indynoplus  t'  see  th'  Red 
Mill  an'  set  as  close  t'  th'  stage  as  if 
they'd  been  newspaper  people. 

S2 

Ther  is  so  many  empty  houses  up  at 
Indynoplus  that  th'  owners  are  gittin'  so 
desperate  that  ther  offerin'  t'  repaper  th' 
hall  with  any  four-cent  pattern  within 
reason  t'  th'  right  tenant. 


April 


Th'  bank  scare  down  our  way  has 
caused  a  spade  famine  at  th*  hardware 
store. 

A  nickelodeon  pianner  player  has  been 
known  t'  go  five  days  without  food  er 
water. 

S2 

Th*  ole  fashioned  girl  that  used  t*  make 
initial  hat  linin*s  fer  th'  boys  by  lamp 
light  after  school  has  long 
since  settled  down,  an*,  al- 
though she  is  blind,  she 
has  only  th*  fondest  mem- 
ories o*  th*  past. 


25 


Manhnu 
26 


27 


WtintBhns 
28 


QII|ur0d{tg 
29 


3FriiaH 
30 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

It   takes   years  o'  idleness  t'  become  a 
good  checker  player. 


There  wuz  a  row  up  t'  th'  band  room 
last  night  over  th'  campaign  scale  an'  th* 
boys  finally  come  t*  blows. 


May 


Saturday 
1 


Bright  smiling  May,  pink  rhubarb  and 


greens, 
We  long  for  the  forests,  meadows  and 
streams. 


It  is  pretty  hard  for  people 
that  have  to  move  on  the  first 
day  of  May  to  associate  any 
sentiment  with  the  month  in 
spite  of  the  poet's  songs  of 
hawthorn  blossoms  and  night- 
ingales. It  is  all  right  to  read 
about  "the  dim  figure  of  the 
angler,  clad  in  gray,  moving 
through  the  white  mist  that 
still  lingers  beside  the  river," 
but  what  most  of  us  are  inter- 
ested in  is  how^  to  get  the 
mahogany  chiffonier  down 
three  flights  of  stairs  and  up 
four  without  knocking  off  the 
glass  knobs. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


In  the  olden  times  in  rural  England  the 
May  Day  festivals,  according  to  report,  were 
most  beautiful  spectacles.  Then  the  May 
Queen,  the  pick  of  the  village  beauties, 
arrayed  in  floral  splendor,  sat  within  a  vine- 
clad  arbor  with  a  garland  of  poppies  thrown 
carelessly  across  her  knees,  a  crown  of  violets 
on  her  brow^  and  her  fingers  crossed.  She 
was  the  whole  thing  and  as  she  watched  the 
gaily  bedecked  dancers  with  a  critical  eye  as 
they  hopped  around  the  May  pole  many  a 
knock  went  up  among  them. 


There  is  a  natural  eagerness  to  hail  May  as 
a  summer  month,  but  it  is  well  to  remember 
the  poet's  w^ords  and  act  accordingly.  Says 
he — meaning  underwear — 

"Change  not  the  clout 
*Till  May  is  out." 


May 


KATE  BENDER 


2 


3 


4 


5 


6 


3Fr!&ag 

7 


^aturbaB 
8 


In    the    early    seventies    the    Bender    family 

lived    in    a    lonely    spot    in    Labette    County, 

Kansas,  but  not  by  agriculture.      Their  modest 

cabin  lay  flush  with  the 

old    California    trail, 

many    miles    from    any 

other  human  habitation. 

To    the    weary    traveler 

it    loomed    up    like    a 

skyscraper   against    the 

w^estern    horizon    as    he 

trudged    along    in    the 

soft  light  of  the  closing 

day.  The  pride  of  the 
Bender 
family 
w^  a  s 
Kate,  an 
only 
daughter. 
Kate 

had  a  low,  thick  brow  and  a 
massive  chin  and  she  could 
sniff  a  victim  many  hours 
before  he  knocked  at  the  door 
for  food  and  shelter.  Seated 
before  the  hearthfire's  ruddy 
glow  the  stranger  would  impart 
the  latest  new^s  of  the  Greeley 
campaign  and  other  matters 
back  in  the  states  while  Kate 
rolled  up  her  sleeves  and  stole 
upon  him  from  the  rear  with 
her  dogwood  maul.  Long 
before  the  cock's  first  saluta- 
tion to  the  morn,  the  guest, 
stripped  of  his  valuables,  lay 
buried  in  the  kitchen  garden. 
After  several  successful  seasons       j 


KATE" 


/ 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Kate  went  East  where  she  was  wooed  and 
won,  and  spent  the  evening  of  her  hfe  in  the 
quiet  and  peace  of  her  home,  refusing  many 
flattering  offers  to  go  on  the  stEige. 


May 


Uncle  Mort  Hickman,  nearly  ninety- 
eight,  after  cuttin*  and  splittin'  four  cords 
o*  wood  yisterday  afternoon,  wuz  found 
frozen  stiff  in  th'  lane  leadin'  t*  th'  house 
by  his  four  sons,  who  had  been  attendin' 
a  billiard  tournament. 

In  th*  good  ol*  perlitical  campaigns  back 
in  th*  70*s  a  feller  worried  more  about 
where  his  next  torch  full  o'  coal  oil  wuz 
comin'  from  than  he  did  about  th'  issues. 


9 


Mnttdag 
10 


11 


12 


QIi|itr0&Hg 
13 


14 


15 


V/ 


A  village  editor  writing  a 
stinging  editorial  on  predatory 
wealth. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

In  th'  winter  th*  end  seat  hog  stands 
on  th*  rear  platform  with  two  suitcases. 

_  S2 

After  a  country  egg  gits  away  from  th' 
gentle  influences  o'  home  it  soon  falls  in 
with  a  bad  lot. 

Lots  o*  people  insist  on  eatin'  with  a 
knife  that  wuz  born  with  a  silver  spoon 
in  their  mouth. 

S2 

Th*  President  that  can't  save  enough 
out  o*  his  salary  t*  retire  on  haint  got  as 
much  sense  as  a  councilman. 


S2 


Aldrich  Moon  an'  Tipton  Bud  have 
bought  their  garden  seeds  in  pairtnership 
an*  this  summer  they'll  have  split  p>eas. 


May 


Some  fellers  lose  everthing  thro*  bad 
management  an'  others  go  t'  law. 

S2 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  somebuddy 
ought  t'  invent  a  wireless  mustache. 

Al  Johnson  talks  o*  sellin*  his  farm  an' 
movin*  t'  town  where  there's  some  place 
t'  loaf. 


16 


illoniiiaji 
17 


QIu^Biiiag 
18 


19 


20 


IFrftag 
21 

^aturiag 
22 


May   19,  1908  — Army  circles 
shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


It  wuz  mighty  cold  passin'  th'  church 
Sunday. 

Newt  Plum's  married  dorter,  up  at  In- 
dynoplus,  says  it's  poor  economy  t'  cook 
beets  with  90-cent  gas. 

u 

Th'  weddin'  over  at  th'  Tilford  Moots 
farm  went  off  without  a  hitch  Saturday 
night.     Th'  bridegroom  didn*  show  up. 


S2 


Tipton  Bud  is  a  great  Bryan  man.  He 
says  no  other  feller  in  th'  party  kin  ap- 
proach him,  an'  Ez  Pash  says,  that's  th' 
trouble. 

S2 

Mr.  Mooty  Spray  is  th'  new  clerk  at 
th'  Palace.  He  combs  his  hair  like  an 
acrobat  an'  is  very  pop'lar  with  th'  trav- 
elin'  public. 


May 


Pendycitis  keeps  off  life  insurance 
agents. 

After  a  girl  gits  her  picture  in  a  pho- 
tographer's window  she  haint  much  help 
t'  her  mother. 

Pinky  Kerr  wuz  arrested  in  Indynoplus 
last  week.  He  picked  up  an'^  Indianny 
novel  an'  couldn't  put  it  down. 


23 


24 


25 


26 


27 


28 


&alurbag 
29 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Th'   salaried  man  laughs  last. 

Heads  or  tails,  th'  fur  dealer  always 
wins. 

S2 

In  panicky  times  never  bank  on  any- 
thing you  hear. 

We're  alius  disappointed  when  we 
see  somebuddy  we've  heard  so  much 
about. 

Milt  Dunston  is  running  his  farm 
single-handed  since  he  bought  a  corn 
shredder. 

Th'  hand  that  rocks  th'  cradle  when 
th'  card  club  meets  also  has  somethin'  t' 
do  with  keepin'  th'  world  goin'. 


May 


One  bad  thing  *bout  interurban  cars  is 
that  they  fetch  a  lot  o*  people  t'  th' 
theater  that  don't  git  seated  till  nine 
o'clock. 

Rural  mail  delivery  has  put  a  stop  t' 
th'  ole-fashioned  farmer  that  used  t'  hitch 
in  front  o'  th'  hardware  store  an'  spend 
some  money. 


r 


g>uttbag 
30 


31 


Ahe  Martin's  Almanack 

Don't    spend    your    money    at    home. 
Bring  it  down  town. 


'Bout  th'  biggest  bore  in  th'  business 
is  th*  feller  that's  jist  got  back  from 
Chicago. 


Jun 


1 


2 


3 


4 


Saturday 
5 


Warm,  leafy  June  and  perspiring  young 

brides, 
Grooms   that   are   worthy  and  grooms 

that  are  snides. 


June  stands  as  the  sixth 
month  of  the  calendar  and  is 
marked  by  no  real  holidays  or 
festivals.  The  Romans  consid- 
ered June  the  most  propitious 
season  of  the  year  to  take  on 
new  responsibilities. 


When  the  warm  spring  even- 
ings come  and  the  air  is  heavy 
with  the  odor  of  the  bursting 
buds,  young  lovers  are  w^ont  to 
emerge  from  the  stuffy  confines 
of  the  well  lighted  parlor  and 
quietly  settle  down  in  the 
friendly  shadows  of  the  veran- 
da.     The    soft    breath    of    the 


\ 

Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


awakening  season  gently  soothes  their  feverish 
brows  while  they  whisper  tender  avowals  of 
sincerest  love.  Long  before  the  porch  is  en- 
tirely hidden  by  vines  they  are  engaged 
and  in  June  their  wedding  follows.  Glorious 
June,  w^ith  her  flowers  and  leaves  and  excur- 
sion rates! 


A  hot,  sticky  wedding  trip  in  June  is  a  fine 
thing — all  the  way  to  Niagara  Falls  in  a  yel- 
low day-coach.  You  are  dressed  in  a  tight, 
brownish  -  black  suit  and  your  shoulders  are 
covered  with  dust;  you  are  wearing  a  strange 
collar,  too,  and  a  large,  brown  stiff  hat;  your 
bride  is  pinned  together  in  a  blue  traveling 
otitfit  of  green  mulle.  The  first  thing  that 
catches  her  eye  at  "the  Falls"  is  the  photo 
studio  and  you  have  your  pictures  taken — 
you  are  holding  a  cigar  and  wondering  what 
they  are  doing  at  home,  and  your  bride  stands 
hard  by  with  a  pasteboard  fan  in  her  hand 
and  her  underskirt  showing;  she  timidly  whis- 
pers to  you  "not  to  forget  to  send  one  to 
^unt    Hattie    what    give    us    the   berry  spoon." 

Long  before  you  get  back  to  your  wife's 
home,  where  you  w^ill  reside  from  now  on,  a 
thousand  things  bob  up  before  you  that  you 
never  dreamed  of  before.  You  wonder  how 
long  your  position  will  endure;  if  you  could 
ever  catch  even  again  after  a  siege  of  double 
typhoid  fever;  how  you  will  adjust  yourself  to 
stogies  and  ready-to-wear  garments;  why  you 
did  not  wait  at  least  a  year  longer.  The  old 
happy  past  looms  up,  and  you  remember  how 
you  used  to  go  home  in  the  evening  and  put 
on  everything  clean  and  come  down  tow^n 
and  stand  on  the  corner  and  smoke  till  it  was 


June 


dark  enough  to  call  on  her;  how  you  whistled 
all  the  way  home  and  how  pleasantly  you 
answered  your  mother  when  she  called  to 
you  not  to  scratch  matches  on  the  hall  wall- 
paper. You  look  at  your  wife.  She  is  fast 
asleep  and  a  smile  plays  about  her  pretty 
mouth.  Her  little  feet  are  cocked  up  on  a 
suitcase  and  a  half  eaten  piece  of  cream  pie 
lies  in  her  lap.  She  is  dreaming  of  the 
future. 


6 


7 


8 


9 


QIt|urBliag 
10 


3Fn&ag 
11 

^aturinag 
12 


June  9,    1908  —  Army  circles 
shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Kentucky  has  poor  feud  laws. 

All  th'  world  is  a  stage  with  Rocky- 
feller  in  th'  box  office  an'  Morgan  on  th' 
door. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  has  had  his  hair  cut 
pompydour  an*  he  looks  like  a  scared 
cattypiller. 

A  good  many  people  are  like  ortomo- 
biles  —  the  cheaper  they  are  the  more 
noise  they  make. 

/^  Everbuddy  gits   in   on  prosperity.     Th' 
'   feller   with    somethin'  t'  sell  gits  in  good, 
an'    th'    feller    with    somethin'  t'  buy    gits 
1   in  bad. 


June 


THE  STAGE 


Some  Notable  Player*  Who  Have  Trod   the  Melodeon 
Hall  Boards  During  the  Current  Season. 


13 


BY  MISS  GERM  WILLIAMS 

No  actress  in  our  time  has  ever  leaped  into 
popular  favor  v^ith  the  agility  of  Hattie  Le- 
Clair.  Our  theater-goers  will  remember  her 
great  naturalness  and  poise  w^ith  ever  increas- 
ing fondness.  As  Myrtle,  in  "Marion  Gray,  or 
the  Lost  Heiress  of  Red  Stone  Hall,"  she 
grasped  every  requirement  with  determination 
and  grace.  It  was  my  privilege  during  her 
engagement  among  us  to  sit  directly  behind 
two  grocery 
salesmen 
from  Dayton, 
Ohio,  and  it 
w^as,  indeed, 
a  pleasure 
to  note  the 
effect  Miss 
LeClair's  act- 
ing  had  on, 
them.  One'^i^ 
would  natur- 
ally suppose 
that  they 
would  b  e 
calloused 
after  seeing 
everything 

good  in  Union  City,  Sidney 
and  Greenville,  but  such  w^as 
far  from  being  the  case.  They 
fairly  raved  over  her  acting, 
only  going  out  once  between 
acts.  The  climax  of  their  ex- 
citement came  during  the  scene 


14 


15 


16 


17 


18 


&aturJiag 
19 


HATTIE  LE  CLAIR 
AS  MYRTLE 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


in  the  fourth  act  between  Myrtle  and  Jack 
Carrington,  the  young  squire,  when  she  spurns 
him  in  no  uncertain  terms,  saying  as  she 
tossed  his  ring  into  the  grass,  "Sir,  I  would 
rather  be  a  poor  sewing  machine  girl 
all  my  life  than  accept  a  favor  from  you!** 
When  Carrington  struck  his  boot  with  his 
riding  whip  and  started  to  strangle  her,  the 
two  Dayton  salesmen  grabbed  their  hats  and 
rushed  up  the  center  aisle  for. the  stage  door, 
vowing  vengeance  on  the  cowardly  brute. 

During  Miss  Le  Clair*s  brief  stay  in  our 
midst  she  hurriedly  ran  through  the  manu- 
script of  Mr.  Alex  Tansey*s  play,  "The  Slaves 
of  Catarrh,'*  and  pronounced  it  full  of  splendid 
possibilities. 


\ 


Jun 


GYPSY  DE  VERNON 

For  emotionalism,  height,  willowyness  and 
volume,  no  actress  seen  at  Melodeon  Hall 
this  season  compares  with  Miss  Gypsy  De 
Vernon.  She  is  blessed  with  all  the  require- 
ments for  the  portrayal  of  the  various  emo- 
tional roles  in  her  ex- 
tensive repertoire  and 
all  are  employed  to 
their  highest  perfection 
and  elegance.  In  "East 
Lynne,  or  the  Elope- 
ment, an  evening  of 
ultimate  laughter  and 
tears,"  Miss  De  Vernon  ^ 
easily    disarmed     the 


20 


21 


22 


23 


SII|ura&ag 
24 


JFrtiag 
25 


26 


GYPSY    DE  VERNON 
AS  ILL-STARRED 
LADY   ISABELLE 

lowbrows  in  the  gallery  and 
caused  much  sobbing  among 
some  of  our  best  people.  As 
the  w^retched,  ill-starred  Lady 
Isabelle,  she  gave  the  character 
more  beauty  and  girlish  inno- 
cence than  Mrs.  Henry  Wood 
ever  dreamed  of,  and  later, 
after  her  betrayal  by  that  arch- 
villain,  Sir  Francis  Levison,  she 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


assumed  more  agony  of  heart  and  paleness  of 
despair  than  has  been  seen  here  in  a  decade. 

Mr.  Art  Smiley,  who  es- 
/  sayed   the  difficult  role 
/   of   Sir    Francis,    is    en- 
titled   to    much    praise 
I    for  his    splendid    feats 
\  of    contortion    as  the 
>Frog  Man,  between  the 
fourth    and    fifth    acts. 
Miss  Gypsy  De  Vernon 


is  the  wife  of  Mr.  Mil- 
ton Tyler,  a  prominent 
watchsmith  of   Givens, 
Nebraska,    and    their 
home    life    is    ideal. 
While    Miss    DeVer- 
non's  engagement  here 
attracted   many  of    our 
people    to    Melodeon 
Hall,  w^ho   expected  to 
draw    the    barrel    of 
flour,    it* is    safe    to    say    that    should    she   ever 
return,  a  full  hall  will  greet  her  on  her  merits 
alone. 


ART  SMILEY 
AS  THE  ARCH  TRAITOR 


June 


RALPH  DEARMOND 

Ralph  DeArmond,  or  Al  Thomas,  as  he  is 
known  in  private  life  at  Vincennes,  is  a 
notable  example  of  thrift  and  earnestness  in 
the  realm  of  stage  people.  Mr.  DeArmond's 
first  real  experience  in  professional  life  was  in 
1880  at  Wapakoneta,  Ohio,  when  he  filled 
the  buckets  for  Calendar's  Georgia  Minstrels 
at  the  age  of  fifteen.  His  parents  were  in  the 
grocery  business  but  they  had  lofty  ideals 
and  all  arrangements 
had  been  made  to  set 
him  up  in  the  clergy. 
One  dark  night,  when, 
at  the  close  of  a  per- 
formance of  Jay  Rial's 
Uncle  Tom's  Cabin,  he 
did  not 
re  turn 
to  his 
home, 
the  aw- 
ful truth 
daw^ned 

on  them  and  young  DeArmond 
was  mourned  as  dead.  That 
w^as  the  beginning  of  his 
splendid  career.  Early  during 
the  present  season  Mr.  De- 
Armond appeared  here  with 
The  Great  Double  Western 
Uncle  Tom's  Cabin,  or  Life 
Among  the  Lowly,  Brass  Band 
and  Orchestra,  and  many  of 
our  people  will  recall  his  clear 
articulation  when,  as  St.  Clair 
in  his  scene  w^ith  Aunt  Ophe- 
lia, he  spoke  these  lines:  "Ah, 
good  Aunt,  I  shall  gather  the 
first  that  grow  in  the  garden," 
his   voice    filling   every   crevice 


27 


28 


29 


30 


RALPH  DEARMOND 
AS  ST,  CLAIR 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


in  Melodeon  Hall.  Mr.  DeArmond's  pale, 
finely  chiseled  features  stood  out  among  the 
jubilee  singers  in  a  manner  that  impressed  all. 
His  great  thoughtfulness  and  bearing  even 
followed  him  into  the  orchestra  pit,  vNrhere  he 
played  the  second  violin,  except  during  twro 
scenes  of  the  drama. 


July 


1 


JFrfdag 
2 


^aturdag 
3 


Sultry  July  with  her  great  celebrations. 
Firecrackers,  music  and  young  lawyers' 
orations. 


By  common  consent  all  over 
the  northern  hemisphere,  July 
is  allowed  to  be  the  hottest 
month  of  all  the  year. 

The  day  following  the  thira 
day  of  this  month  is  known  as 
the  Fourth  of  July  in  this 
country.  It  is  the  anniversary 
of  the  Declaration  of  Independ- 
ence, which  occurred  on  that 
date  in  1  776.  Since  that  time 
it  has  been  customary  to  cele- 
brate the  occasion  throughout 
the  United  States.  A  salute  is 
fired  at  sunrise,  noon  and 
evening  from  every  fort,  man- 
o'-w^ar  and   courthouse    yard  in 


Abe  Martinis  Almanack 


America  on  this  day.     In  townsjwithout  court- 
houses it  is  fired  anyway. 


In  communities  where  the  saloon  keepers 
and  restaurant  proprietors  get  together  and 
work  harmoniously  the  celebration  is  always  a 
success.  The  band  gets  out  and  plays  and 
the  boys,  decked  out  in  their  flashy  uniforms, 
receive  many  a  shy  glance  from  the  starched 
belles  of  the  village  and  vicinity;  the  hook 
and  ladder  company  makes  a  spurt  or  tw^o  up 
and  down  Main  street  and  stacks  on  the 
public  square  while  some  member,  clad  in 
home-made  "tights,"  climbs  the  ladder  with 
all  the  agility  of  a  squirrel.  The  greased  pole 
contest  is  easily  the  most  enjoyable  event  on 
the  program  and  the  crowd  fairly  takes  on  a 
purple  hue  from  convulsive  outbursts  of 
laughter. 

The  speaker's  stand  is  located  exactly  in 
the  center  of  town  in  order  that  all  of  the 
storekeepers  will  have  an  equal  chance.  It  is 
draped  with  cheap  bunting  and  a  picture  of 
George  Washington.  The  orator  of  the  day 
is  generally  a  young  and  struggling  lawyer 
who  had  spoken  for  the  honor  months  ahead 
— or  at  the  time  the  saloon  men  first  thought 
of  having  a  celebration.  He  is  arrayed  in  a 
glossy,  tight-fitting  Prince  Albert  and  a  white 
lawn  tie,  and  when  he  rises  to  speak  he  shines 
like  a  trained  seal.  A  number  of  early  residents 
occupy  seats  on  the  stand  and  add  materially 
to  the  tone  and  dignity  of  things.  After  trying 
to  swallow  a  drink  of  water  and  nervously  ar- 
ranging his  manuscript  the  orator  opens  up 
with  a  brief  review  of  our  country's  progress, 
being  careful  not  to  mix  in  any  politics.  By 
the  time  his  collar  wilts  and  sinks  out  of  sight 
he  tackles  the  **  Declaration,"  and  the  people 
walk  away  in  twos  and  threes. 


July 


At  eight  p.  m.  sharp,  the  destruction  of 
"$10,000  worth  of  fireworks,"  at  a  cost  of 
$12.00,  begins  from  the  roof  of  the  People's 
Bank,  and  the  jollifying  continues  till  the  last 
Roman  candle  has  been  dodged  and  nobody 
is  left  but  the  "  night  constable." 


July  fifteenth  is  St.  Smithius'  Day.  If  it  rains 
on  this  day  it  will  rain  every  day  thereafter 
for  forty  days;  and  if  it  does  not  rain  on  this 
day  it  w^ill  be  dry  for  forty  days  thereafter. 


4 


5 


6 


7 


StlptrB&ag 
8 


9 


10 


A  village  journalist  whizzing 
through  the  congested  traffic 
of  a  downtown  street  to  his 
office  to  w^rite  up  the  death  of 


a  cow. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


JOHN  BRIGHT 

On  July  twenty-first,  1809,  John  Bright  was 
born  in  England.  He  was  noted  for  his  great 
bulk  and  appetite.  It  was  no  uncommon  thing 
for  him  to  enter  a  restaurant  and  order  fifty 
dollars*  worth  of  ham  and  eggs.  At  his  death 
Mr.  Bright  weighed  9 1 5  pounds,  or  sixty-four 
stone,  jockey  weight.  He  was  buried  in  a 
boxcar. 


^r^ 


July 


THE  CAREER  OF  PROFESSOR  HARNER 

BY  MISS  TAWNEY  APPLE 

Professor  Clem  Har- 
ner,  the  tireless  and 
accommodating  leader 
of  the  famous  Brown 
County,  Indiana,  Cor- 
net Band,  is  a  graduate 
of  that  most  severe  of 
all  training  schools,  the 
circus.  Beginning 
early  in  life  with  the 
old  time  caravan  he 
continued  as  a  cornet- 
ist  w^ith  a  score  of 
tented  shows  until  the 
fall  of 


11 


12 


13 


14 


Qll{ur0&ag 
15 


IFrfdag 
16 


17 


PROF.  HARNER  IN  ACTKDN 


1890, 
when 
he  re- 
tired 

at  Tombstone,  Arizona.  During 
his  career  with  the  sawdust 
arena,  covering  half  a  century, 
Mr.  Harner  says  that  the  duties 
were  so  complex  and  varied 
that  he  only  bathed  three  times 
and  wrote  home  tw^ice.  His 
close  application  to  the  cornet 
has  so  hardened  his  lips  that 
he  can  not  drink  from  a  glass 
or  pronounce  a  word  of  more 
than  one  syllable.  During  a 
political  rally  some  years  ago 
at  Vevay,  Indiana,  Mr.  Harner's  \ 
band  serenaded  United  States 
Senator  Albert  J.  Beveridge  at 
his  hotel.  On  this  occasion  the 
Senator  appeared  on  the  balcony 
and  dispersed  the  players  with 
a  neat  speech  of  fifty-five  words. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Broad  rimmed  black  hats  are  still 
popular  with  Indians  an'  *cello  players. 

It's  cheaper  t'  marry  a  girl  that  can't 
play  the  pianner  than  it  is  t'  do  th' 
housework  yourself. 


S2 


Did  you  ever  notice  how  relatives  fight 
for  th'  custody  of  a  rich  uncle?  An'  th' 
more  strokes  he's  had  th'  more  bitter  th' 
contest. 

S2 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  says  that  there's  so 
many  things  she'd  like  t'  have  for  Christ- 
mus  that  she  don't  know  what  t'  git  her 
husband. 

S2 

Doctor  Mopps  says  that  calamity 
howlin'  may  be  traced  directly  t'  a  con- 
dition o'  th'  liver  although  th'  victim  often 
attributes  it  t'  th'  times. 


July 


A    fool    and    his    money    are    soon 


spotted. 


S2 


A  feller  with  a  cold  in  th'  head  should 
never  try  t'  talk  with  a  pipe  in  his 
mouth. 

No  matter  who  or  what  you  want  t' 
find  out  in  th'  country  youVe  always  got 
t'  go  till  you  come  t'  a  red  schoolhouse 
an'  then  turn  t'  th*  right. 


18 


19 


20 


21 


®l|urHiag 
22 


JFrt&ag 
23 

24 


July  21,  1908— Army  circles 
shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

There's  no  harm  in  dancin*  if  you 
keep  on  dancin*. 

It*s  easy  t'  work  your  way  up  in  this 
country  but  it's  hard  on  th'  people  you 
work. 

They  make  maple  syrup  out  o' 
corncobs  that  you  can't  tell  from  th' 
adulterated. 

S2 

Pinky  Kerr  answered  an  advertisement 
t'day  fer  a  second  hand  violinist  t'  play 
"Uncle  Tom." 

There's  somethin'  wrong  with  our  pros- 
perity when  ever'  woman  that  goes 
downtown  t'  buy  a  fall  hat  comes  home 
undecided. 


July 


Th*  beauty  o'  balloon  navigation  is  that 
you  don't  have  t*  wait  in  Galion,  Ohio, 
while  they  change  injines. 


S2 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  says 
that  his  wife  is  either  as  mean  as  the 
dickens  or  havin'  somethin'  sent  home  on 


approval. 


25 


26 


27 


28 


29 


3Frtiag 
30 

9aturiiag 
31 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Beauty  is  only  skin  deep,  but  it's  a 
valuable  asset  if  youVe  poor  or  haven't 
any  sense. 


It's  a  useless  expense  t'  send  out 
weddin'  invitations  if  you're  goin'  t'  live 
with  your  wife's  folks. 


August 


1 


2 


3 


4 


Qltiura&ag 
5 


3Fraag 
6 


9a!uri^ag 

7 


/ 


August  and  ragweeds,  hay  fever  takes 

hold. 
If  you  can't  jingle    money,  you've  just 

got  a  cold. 

August  is  the  car  shortage  > 
month,  and  the  merry  songs  of 
the  harvest  hands,  as  they  drive 
out  of  town  loaded  down  with 
jugs  and  plug  tobacco,  harmonize 
roughly  with  the  peace  and  quiet 
of  the  lazy  summer  afternoon. 
It  was  believed  by  the  Romans 
that  the  pre-eminent  warmth  of 
August  had  something  to  do 
with  the  rising  and  setting  of 
the  star  Canicula — the  Little 
Dog,  therefore  they  conferred 
the  name  of  Dog  Days  on  the 
first  eleven  days  of  the  month. 

4. 

At  eight  o'clock,  Friday  morn- 
ing, August  third,   1492,    Chris- 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


topher  Columbus  pushed  away  from  the  public 
landing  at  Palos,  Spain,  and  later  discovered 
America. 

August  sixth,  1623,  Shakespeare's  wife  died; 
on  the  same  date  in  1848,  a  sea  serpent  was 
sighted  off  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope. 

Some  time  during  the  month  of  August, 
1593,  Isaac  Walton,  the  patron  saint  of  fisher- 
men, was  born  at  Stafford,  England. 

August,  1 794,  the  Duke  of  Sussex  had  his 
marriage  annulled. 

August  fifteenth,  1 738,  Joe  Miller,  an  actor 
and  wit,  passed  to  the  dark  beyond  at  St. 
Clement  Dane's  parish. 

August,  1778,  the  Duke  of  Devonshire 
stopped  the  famous  Festival  of  Tutbury  after 
the  police  had  allowed  it  to  run  unmolested 
for  four  hundred  years. 


August 


A  feller  should  never  lie  about  his 
salary  t*  th*  girl  he's  goin*  t'  marry. 

u 

People  that  keeps  their  opinions  t' 
themselves  generally  haven't  got  none. 

S2 

Our  new  cannin'  factory  is  advertisin' 
fer  travelin'  salesmen  that  don't  play 
pool. 


8 

Mttnhug 
9 

10 

11 

August    II,    1908— Army  cir- 
cles  shocked. 

12 

13 

* 

14 

Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

A  bad  fittin'  suit  never  wears  out. 

S2 

Th*  feller  that  loses  his  head  never 
seems  t'  miss  it. 

What  has  become  o*  th*  good  ole 
/  fashioned  preacher  that  worked  on  th' 
I      side  ? 

Speakin*  o'  women,  Tell  Binkley  said 
you  never  heard  a  man  say,  "there's 
nothin'  in  town  I'd  wear." 

zi 

Aunt  Louisy  Pash  says  th'  delicate 
handiwork  o'  Jack  Frost  wuz  plainly 
visible  on  her  glass  eye  when  she  picked 
it  up  this  mornin'. 


August 


Dollar  wheat  is  good  fer  th*  farmer  an' 
what's  good  fer  th'  farmer  is  good  fer 
th'  pianoly  salesman. 


S2 


All  that's  necessary  t'  be  a  good 
country  pustmaster  is  two  reliable  bonds- 
men an'  a  willin'ness  t'  lick  stamps  fer 
women. 


S2 


15 


16 


17 


18 


QIt|ura&ag 
19 


20 


21 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  give 
a  kitchen  shower  fer  her 
husband  this  mornin',  one 
skillet  strikin'  him  fair 
above    the    left    eye. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

When  in  doubt  ask  th*  editur  o*  th' 
woman's  page. 

S2 

Jist  as  soon  as  a  feller  gits  attached  t* 
a  pair  o*  shoes  they  break  on   th*   sides. 

Many  a  man  shines  as  a  politician 
that  ort  t*  be  in  th*  rear  ranks  with  a 
leaky  torch. 

S2 

Th*  most  affectin*  scene  in  Prof.  Alex 
Tansey*s  new  drammer  is  where  th* 
husband  sells  th*  ole  home  t*  buy  a  new 
set  o*  tires  an*  the  wife  goes  back  t*  her 
folks. 

Uncle  Niles  Turner  got  a  pustal  card 
t*day  sayin*  that  his  niece,  who  is  eighty- 
nine  years  ole,  had  fallen  an*  hurt  her 
spine.  Owin*  t*  her  advanced  age  th* 
doctor  says  she*ll  never  be  able  t*  skate 
agin,  even  if  she  does  git  up. 


August 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  havin'  her  pale 
blue  skirt  evened  up  fer  th'  murder  trial. 

S2 

Some  married  men  are  happy  an* 
others  have  t*  go  in  thro'  th*  kitchen 
when  it*s  muddy. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  says  there's  enough 
soft  shoe  dancers  on  th'  vaudeville  stage 
t'  whip  any  nation  on  earth. 


22 


Manhas 
23 


24 


25 


26 


27 
28 


S2 


Insurance  Agent  Tell 
Binkley  has  only  wrote  one 
policy  since  th'  beginnin'  o' 
th'  panic,  an'  that  wuz  an 
accident.  ^^ 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

A   feller   with    long   whiskers    hates   t* 
carry  a  baby. 

Th'  country   seems    t*  be   flooded  with 
smooth  nickels  an*  counterfeit  blondes. 


S2 


In  years  t'  come  it*s  goin*  t'  be  purty 
hard  pickin'  fer  th*  boy  with  nothin*  but 
a  five-cent  the-ater  education. 


S2 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  is 
leadin*  a  double  life.  He  chaws  ter- 
backer  an*  his  wife  don't  know  it. 

Doctor  Mopps  is  gittin*  up  a  secret 
cure  fer  th*  "Jist  fine**  habit.  You  kin 
administer  it  secretly  in  a  nut  sundae  or 
on  a  powder  rag. 


August 


A  double  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  Com- 
pany is  twice  as  bad. 

S2 

Th*  feller  that  takes  lemonade  soon 
gits  drowned  out  o*  th'  conversation. 

While  th'  popularity  o*  th'  toupee  has 
ruined  th'  skull  cap  industry  it  has 
greatly  stimulated  th'  demand  fer  ole 
gray  bosses. 

S2 


&utt&atj 
29 


30 


31 


Professor  Alex  Tansey 
talks  some  o'  makin'  a  tour 
o'  the  New  England  States 
this  fall  with  a  view  o' 
writin'  a    Indianny    novel. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Even  th*  Vanderbilts  can't  live  happily 
together. 


r-^^,; 


Miss  Tawney  Apple's  aunt  has  jist  got 
a  devorce  on  th'  grounds  o'  desertion 
an'  failure  t'  pervide.  Her  husband  is  a 
great  fisherman. 


September 


1 


2 


3 


Saturday 
4 


September,    the    month   of    the    old 
county  fair, 
"One   more   an*  we'll   start,"   is   heard 
here  and  there. 


When  Julius  Caesar  reformed 
the  calendar  he  gave  Septem- 
ber a  thirty- first  day,  which 
Augustus  subsequently  took 
from  it,  and  so  it  has  remained 
in  ninth  place  with  thirty  days. 


In  September,  150-,  Dick 
Tarleton  was  born  of  peasant 
origin.  He  w^as  a  well-known 
sixteenth  century  tavern  keeper. 
His  hostelry  was  not  equipped 
w^ith  all  of  the  flubdubs  of  the 
modern  hotel,  but  he  had  sev- 
eral good  outside  rooms  and 
never  served  float.  Dick  was 
a   natural   comedian    and    the 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


dusty  traveler  commenced  to  laugh  as  soon  as 
he  took  up  the  quill  to  register — often  going 
into  convulsions  and  dying  before  the  ink  vsras 
dry.  His  comedy  flashes  were  the  talk  of  the 
day. 

At  about  the  time  Tarleton  was  at  the 
height  of  his  fame,  Queen  Elizabeth  w^as  hav- 
ing more  trouble  than  an  east-bound  tramp. 
Busy,  indeed,  was  she  conspiring  and  counter- 
conspiring,  directing  the  Armada,  keeping  a 
line  on  Mary  and  Babington  and  w^atching 
her  political  fences.  One  evening  while  she 
was  standing  in  front  of  Tarleton's  hotel,  talk- 
ing to  a  traveling  salesman,  the  conversation 
led  up  to  a  hot  one  that  Dick  had  pulled  off 
a  short  time  before  in  the  billiard  room.  So 
pleased  was  she  with  the  landlord's  humor 
that  she  fixed  it  up  with  her  friend  to  bring 
about  an  introduction  to  the  noted  wit,  after 
which  she  arranged  with  Tarleton  to  brush  up 
a  lot  of  gags  and  entertain  her  daily  during 
the  evening  meal  for  a  handsome  considera- 
tion, payable  at  the  beginning  of  each  week. 
Later,  poor  Tarleton  went  on  the  stage,  but 
his  career  was  cut  short  by  the  plague,  he  not 
getting  the  usual  two  w^eeks'  notice.  His  wife, 
who  was  a  high  flyer,  was  not  mentioned  in 
his  will. 


September  twenty-nine  is  Michaelmas  Day. 
To  eat  a  goose  on  this  day,  according  to  an 
old  superstition,  means  that  you  will  be  pros- 
perous for  the  whole  of  the  ensuing  year. 


September  twenty,  1815,  William  Hutton, 
the  Birmingham,  England,  publisher,  was 
born.  Biography  records  scarcely  a  finer  in- 
stance of  industry  and   economy  leading    their 


September 


possessor  out  of  the  most  unpropitious  cir- 
cumstances to  honor  and  affluence.  Hutton's 
father  was  a  man  who  could  drink  or  leave 
it  alone,  so  William  was  early  set  to  work, 
walking  fourteen  miles  to  his  task  and  carry- 
ing his  dinner,  which  consisted  of  a  cold 
buckw^heat  cake. 


I 


5 


6 


7 


8 


Qltiuraitag 
9 


3Friiag 
10 


i^atur&aii 
11 


September  8,    1908  —  Army 
circles  shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Th*  Pash*s  have  quit  trading  at  Mat 
AngeFs  grocery.  Mat  told  *em  he  wuzn*t 
keeping  a  diary. 


S2 


Th*  husband  that  uncomplainingly  eats 
what's  set  before  him  may  live  more 
peacefully  but  not  as  long. 


S2 


Some  fellers  think  that  'cause  their 
wife  kin  run  a  can  opener  successfully 
she's  a  wonderful  housekeeper. 


S2 


Tilford  Moots'  wife  wuz  down  town 
t'day  looking  all  pale  an'  run  down. 
She's  been  kept  close  to  home  fer  three 
weeks  waitin'  fer  th'  paper  hangers  t' 
show  up. 


September 


12 


illonliiag 
13 


14 


15 


16 


JFrffiag 
17 


&alurbag 
18 


RELATION   OF  THE  TURNIP  TO   EARLY 
JOURNALISM  IN  INDIANA 

BY  HON.  EX-EDITOR  CALE  FLUHART 

The    turnip    played    no 

unimportant    part    in     the 

estabUshment  of  the  news- 
paper   in    Indiana.     I    can 

remember    very    distinctly 

wrhen    the    unnutritious 

vegetable   readily    passed 

as    legal    tender    in  the 

transactions    attendant    on 

the  publication  of  a  paper   ^ 

and  it  was  no  uncommon       't 

thing  for  a  sturdy  back- 
woodsman 
or  a  thrifty 
squaw    to 

enter    my  MR.  FLUHART 

«-  rl  W  r.  r  i  a  1  AS  HE  APPEARED  WHEN 
cuiioriai      THE  FATE  OF  AMERI- 
sanctum         CAN  JOURNALISM 
jingling  HUNG  IN  THE 

•!i       .       ^      *  BALANCE, 

their    tur- 
nips   and    leaving    their    names 
for  a  year's  subscription. 

4- 

In  1830  I  issued  a  neat 
pamphlet  entitled,  "Nine  Uses 
of  the  Turnip,"  which  sold 
readily  for  ten  turnips  per  copy. 

4. 

It  w^as  no  easy  task  in  those 
days  to  print  a  paper  that 
pleased  the  Indians.  You 
might  please  a  few  of  them 
part  of  the  time  and  a  part  of 
them  a  few  of  the  times,  but 
it  was  really  a  triumph  to  print 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


a  nice,  newsy  sheet  that  thoroughly  satisfied 
/  them  any  time.  An  Indian  lady  belonging  to 
/  a  prominent  Mac-o-Chee  family  once  publicly 
\  cow-hided  me  for  failing  to  include  her  among 
\  a  number  of  successful  contestants  at  a  scalp- 
ing party. 

\  4. 

The  "Society  and  Personal"  page  had  to  be 
conducted  with  the  greatest  watchfulness,  as 
much  jealousy  existed  among  the  various 
Indian  clubs. 

The  early  Indiana  editor  manufactured  his 
own  type  rollers,  using  a  combination  of  New 
Orleans  sorghum  and  glue. 


In  bringing  a  jug  full  of  sorghum  from  New 
Orleans  it  was  necessary  to  have  an  armed 
escort  at  great  cost  to  insure  prompt  and  safe 
delivery  as  the  Indians  were  passionately  fond 
of  it,  and  a  man  suspected  of  having  sor- 
ghum in  his  possession  was  soon  marked. 


The  type  rollers  were  made  many  thousands 
of  feet  under  ground,  and  great  precaution 
was  taken  to  prevent  the  fumes  of  the  boiling 
sorghum  from  penetrating  the  forest  fastness. 
It  was  a  process  which  called  for  much  bravery 
and  hardship. 

4. 

The  mechanical  devices  for  printing  a  news- 
paper in  the  early  twenties  were  primitive  in- 
deed. Once  when  my  press  broke  down  I 
had  to  wait  almost  two  years  for  repairs  to  be 
brought  across  the  mountains  on  pack  mules. 
When  overtaken  by  such    catastrophes    it   was 


September 


my  rule  to  print  the  paper  on  a  cider  press, 
using  a  thick,  black  butter  made  from  wild 
crab  apples  for  ink. 


In  those  days  newsgathering  facilities  were 
practically  unknown.  I  often  held  my  press 
months  at  a  time  w^aiting  for  the  fleix  quota- 
tions from  Philadelphia,  in  which  the  Indians 
took  deep  interest. 


19 


20 


One  dark  night  in  1828,  I  was  sitting  in  my 
sanctum  counting  turnips,  when  my  attention 
was  called  to  a  light  tap  on  the  door.  Sud- 
denly it  opened  and  I  found  myself  looking 
into  the  bright  razor-edged  muzzle  of  a  toma- 
hawk held  above  the  head  of 
a  tall,  raw-boned,  smooth- 
shaven  Cherokee  Indian.  His 
eyes  flashed  fire  and  a  strong 
odor  of  slumgullion  hovered 
about  him.  He  at  once  took  a 
copy  of  last  week's  paper  and 
pointed  to  a  news  item  about 
an  affair  that  had  happened 
at  West  Liberty,  Ohio,  four 
years  before.  With  great  pres- 
ence of  mind  I  coldly  reached 
for  my  editorial  scissors 
and  carefully  clipped  the 
article  referred  to  and  threw  it 
into  the  waste  basket.  This 
pleased  him  mightily  and  he 
left  turnips  enough  for  two 
years*  subscription  and  even 
ordered  the  paper  sent  regularly 
to  a  sister  living  in  Iowa. 


21 


WthmBtia^ 
22 


23 


3Frfftag 
24 


25 


Speaking    of    the    Indians* 
fondness    for  molasses  reminds 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


me  of  the  exasperating  tricks  sometimes 
played  by  them.  They  frequently  gathered  in 
the  press  room  to  watch  the  process  of  print- 
ing and  I  recall  how  my  pressman  would  fly 
into  a  rage  w^hen  he  w^ould  find  an  Indian 
idly  whittling  a  roller  with  his  scalping  knife 
and  devouring  the  morsels  with  much  pleas- 
ure and  gusto. 

In  dealing  with  great  national  questions  I 
invariably  sought  the  counsel  of  the  most  in- 
fluential Indian  chiefs,  thereby  safeguarding 
myself  against  bodily  injury  and  making  many 
new  subscribers. 


September 


A  word  t'  th'  wise  is  unnecessary. 


sz 


A  burlesque  troupe  played  at  Melodeon 
Hall  last  night  with  five  people  an'  a 
large  chorus.  / 

Tilford  Moots'  wife  says  that  all  she's 
ever  got  out  o'  twenty  years  o'  married 
life  wuz  th'  last  word. 


26 


27 


28 


29 


QIt;urB&a|| 
30 


sz 


Th'  farmer  that  talks  o' 
sellin'  out  an'  goin'  West 
should  remember  that  th' 
pictures  in  th'  railroad 
books  were  taken  in  the 
summer. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Speakin'  o*  bull  luck,  Lafe  Bud  ordered 
eggs  at  th'  hut-tel  yisterday  an'  they 
brought  him  steak. 


Hon.  Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart  says  that 
confidence  is  an  intangible  somethin' 
that  only  those  who  have  somethin*  t' 
sell  are  conscious  of. 


October 


1 


i^aturdag 
2 


-«-^ 


Then    comes   October,   mellow    and 

brown, 
Farmer  and    pumpkins   start  early  for 

town. 


October  is  the  yellow  month 
and  it  is  tinged  with  melan- 
cholia for  several  reasons  which 
are  thoroughly  understood  by 
the  average  salaried  man. 


October  twenty-five  is  St. 
Crispin's  Day.  St.  Crispin  and 
his  brother,  Crispiman,  toured 
France  in  287,  preaching  the 
gospel  in  the  daytime  and 
making  shoes  at  night. 

Harry  Rowe,  of  York,  was 
a    character    in    his    day    who 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


lost  no  opportunity  to  get  into  the  news- 
papers. He  held  a  job  around  the  courthouse 
for  many  years  and  played  the  B  flat  cornet 
in  an  orchestra.  He  also  distinguished  him- 
self as  a  trumpeter  at  the  battle  of  Culloden, 
Upon  leaving  the  army  he  opened  a  puppet 
show  and  sold  tickets  with  one  hand  and  took 
them  in  with  the  other.  He  also  posed  as  the 
author  of  Macbeth  with  fine  success,  his  fellow 
townsmen  not  getting  onto  the  fake  until  after 
his  death.  He  went  on  a  note  for  a  friend 
and  died  in  the  poorhouse  early  in  October, 
1800.  Some  days  after  his  death  it  was 
learned  that  the  manuscript  he  carried  about 
with  him  had  been  purchased  from  a  candle 
snuffer  at  the  old  Globe  Theater.  However, 
Mr.  Rowe  really  did  write  a  musical  comedy 
called  "No  Cure,  No  Pay,"  which  caused 
much    consternation    among    cancer  specialists. 


The  evening  of  October  thirty-one  is  Hal- 
lowe'en or  Nut  Crack  Night.  It  is  clearly  a 
relic  of  pagan  times  but  is  still  very  popular. 
It  is  a  night  set  apart  for  walking  about  and 
playing  harmless  pranks,  such  as  placing  the 
hotel  omnibus  on  top  of  the  Baptist  church 
or  plugging  the  milkman's  pump.  On  this 
night,  too,  young  maidens,  wishing  to  know  if 
their  sweethearts  are  on  the  square  or  only 
romancing,  try  out  all  sorts  of  silly  tests,  such 
as  going  to  bed  with  a  fried  egg  in  the  right 
hand,  or,  upon  disrobing  for  the  night,  to  throw 
their  rat  over  their  left  shoulder.  Should  it 
alight  in  the  powder  box,  according  to  super- 
scition  the  face  of  their  true  love  will  appear 
in  a  Peruna  ad  on  the  following  day. 


October 


Lodge  work  is  th*  only  kind  lots  o' 
fellers  ever  tackle. 

Nobuddy  takes  as  much  interest  in  his 
business  as  a  pawnbroker. 

S2 

Tipton  Bud*s  nephew  is  gittin*  t*  be 
quite  a  man.  He  kin  drink  a  glass  o' 
water  without  takin*  th'  tobacco  out  o' 
his  mouth.  . 


3 


4 


5 


6 


QIt|ura&ag 

7 


8 


&atur&ag 
9 


U 


In  discussin*  our  foreign 
exchange  yisterday  at  Me- 
lodeon  Hall,  Miss  Fawn 
Lippincut  said  that  an 
American  girl  with  money 
shouldn't  have  no  more  use 
fer  a  husband  than  a  coun- 
try editur  has  fer  a  depot 
wagon. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack  ^ 

You'll  alius  find  a  retired  farmer 
hangin'  around  a  bank. 

S2 

I  don't  see  no  advantage  in  home- 
grown strawberries   at   Tennessee   prices. 

S2 

Once  in  a  long  time  some  boy  turns 
out  well  that  wouldn't  go  t*  school,  but 
it*s  very  rare. 

Tell  Binkley*s  nephew  is  home  from 
college.  He  won  the  220-yard  dash,  but 
he  don't  seem  any  brighter. 


S2 


Some  long-tongued  w^omen  imagine 
ther  popular  when  as  a  matter  o*  fact, 
folks  er  only  afraid  o'  them. 


S2 


One  good  thing  about  ownin'  an  auto  is 
that  you  don't  have  t'  climb  up  an'  throw 
down  a  lot  o'  hay  every  night  after  you 
git  back. 


October 


It's    purty  hard    t*  act    natural    with    a 
plug  hat  on. 

Photography  is  a  profession  with  some 
people  an*  disease  with  others. 


S2 


Tilford  Moots  struck  his  wife  yisterday 
an'  now  he*s  busy  try  in*  t*  keep  it  out  o' 
th*  card  clubs. 


10 


mnnftag 
11 


12 


13 


Qll^ura&ag 
14 


JFrt&ag 
15 


16 


October     13,     19  08  — Army 
circles  shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

If  a  tramp  don't  steal  what  he  wants 
he  asks  fer  it. 

S2 

A  sensible,  dignified  girl  never  attracts 
a  feller  that  would  rock  a  boat. 

S2 

City  folks  would  never  know  nothin 
'bout  George  Washington's  birthday  if  th' 
the-aters  didn't   boost    th'  matinee    prices. 


S2 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  that  as  fond 
as  she  is  o'  society  she  alius  sets  two  even- 
in's  aside  fer  herself  durin'  th'  young 
onion  season. 

Young  Lafe  Bud  will  be  married  agin 
t'morrow.  He  et  a  hearty  breakfast  this 
mornin'  an'  spent  an'  hour  with  his 
preacher,  but  he  shows  no  signs  o' 
weakenin'. 


October 


Nothin*s  ever  said  'bout  who  paid  fer 
th'  coffee  your  mother  used  t*  make. 

S2 

A  sensible  woman  in  society  is  *bout 
as  much  out  o*  place  as  a  bow-legged 
man  in  a  drill. 


y 


Hon.  Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart  lectured 
on  th'  "Moral  Wave"  at  Melodeon  Hall 
last  night  t*  a  well  filled  audience. 


17 


18 


19 


20 


21 


3Fribag 
22 


ftaturiiag 
23 


sz 


./ 


r^s 


One  disadvantage  'bout 
livin'  in  a  little  tow^n  is  that 
ever  time  you  poke  your 
nose  out  o'  th'  door  you 
see  th'  same  blonde  girl 
comin'   out  o'  th'  pustoffice. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

People    still    ask    fer    four    seats    on   th* 
end  o*  th'  sixth  row. 


S2 


It's  purty    hard    t'  make    change    fer    a 
loaf  o'  bread  with  your  mittens  on. 


S2 


Th*  feller  that  asks  if  th'  empty  seat 
next  t'  you  is  occupied  still  travels. 

S2 

You  kin  git  a  purty  fair  idea  of  a  feller 
by  his  location  in  a  group  photergraf. 

Lettin'  th'  other  feller  worry  'bout  your 
debts  is  one  o'  th'  most  popular  brands 
o'  optimism. 

S2 

Prof.  Clem  Harner  is  a  liberal  feller. 
If  he's  got  three  se-gars  he  smokes  one 
an'  keeps  two  himself. 


October 


You  kin  tell  purty  much    about  a  new 
acquaintance  by  th'  people  he  asks  about. 


S2 


A 

girl    with 

a    retreatin' 

chin 

should 

never 

wear   a 

bow    on    th' 

back 

o'    her 

neck. 

S2 

Constable 

Newt     Plum's     married 

daughter  treated    her    hired    girl    like    one 
o'  th'   family  an'  she  quit. 


24-31 


25 


26 


27 


28 


29 
30 


S2 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  did 
not  sing  at  th*  social  last 
night.  She*s  takin'  vocal  by 
mail  an'  th*  pustoffice  closed 
before  she  got    down  town. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Politics  makes    strange   bed    fellers    an' 
ruins  lots  o'  hut-tel  carpets. 


Miss  Germ  Williams  is  jist  a  natural 
born  artist  an'  draws  portraits  on  ruled 
paper  so  she  kin  keep  th'  ears  even. 


November 


1 


2 


3 


4 


3Fr!bag 
5 


6 


Leafless  November,  elections  galore. 
Jubilant  candidates  and  candidates 
sore. 


November  was  styled  by  the 
ancient  Saxons  Wind-Monat, 
or  Wind  Month. 


The  first  Tuesday  after  the 
first  Monday  in  November  is 
an  election  day  of  some  sort 
in  practically  every  city  and 
hamlet  in  the  Union. 


In  closely  contested  rural 
districts  an  American  election 
is  a  beautiful  affair.  Red-nosed 
grafters  fix  up  deals  in  the  box 
stall  at  the  livery  stable ;  stern- 
visaged  inspectors  pace  to  and 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


fro  in  front  of  the  voting  places;  excited  men 
with  faces  flushed  with  strong  drink  run  in 
and  out  of  the  alleys;  repeaters  steal  along 
in  the  shadows  of  the  buildings;  long-legged 
newspaper  reporters  rush  from  one  precinct 
to  another,  eager  for  any  figures  that  will 
forecast  the  result;  tottering  old  men  are 
rushed  to  the  polls  in  conveyances  of  every 
description;  clean  cut  business  men  walk  to 
their  homes  on  the  opposite  side  of  the 
street ;  broad  shouldered  marshals  with  dyed 
mustaches  and  dangerous  looking  canes  stand 
with  their  backs  to  the  saloons  while  the 
work    of   electing    a    clean    ticket    proceeds. 

After  the  last  dollar  has  been  placed  in 
the  hand  of  the  independent  voter  and  the 
last  beer  keg  tipped  on  end  the  polls  close 
and  the  task  of  counting  up  and  throwing 
out  proceeds.  Early  in  the  evening  the  pop- 
ulace begins  to  gather  in  the  criminal  court 
room  or  the  opera  hall  to  hear  the  returns 
read  aloud.  Frequently  "grapevines"  are 
freely  interspersed,  adding  much  good- 
natured  fun  to  the  pandemonium  and  caus- 
ing many  really  beaten  reform  candidates  to 
remain    up    until    a    late    hour. 


The  festival  of  Thanksgiving  comes  down 
the  centuries  from  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  of  Ply- 
mouth, and  was  instituted  by  Governor  Brad- 
ford, November,  1621,  in  gratitude  for  a  good 
harvest  and  the  safe  arrival  of  ships  from 
England  with  supplies.  In  1 862  the  proclama- 
tion of  President  Lincoln  made  it  a  national 
festival,  and  fixed  the  date  as  the  last  Thurs- 
day in  November. 


I 


November 


After  you  break    a    dollar  it  haint  long 
till  you're  borrowin'  agin. 

It's  purty  hard  t'  think    that  everything 
is    fer    th'    best    when    it    rains    on    circus 


day. 


U 


Country  women  still  scare  at  ortomo- 
biles  but  ther  bosses  scarcely  notice  em 
any  more.  ^y 


7 


8 


9 


U^httPBbag 
10 


11 


JFrtbaii 
12 


&aturl^ag 
13 


S2 


It  don't  look  very  good 
fer  th'  steady  revival  o*  busi- 
ness t'  see  th'  new^spapers 
filled  with  recipes  fer 
creamed    carrots. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

"  Barn  storms "  are  caused  by  excessive 
walkin'  an'  irregular  eatin'. 


S2 


It's    purty    hard    t'    choose    between 
woolen    underwe£u:    an'  buckwheat    cakes. 


S2 


Tilford  Moots'  niece  is  visitin'  him 
from  Paris,  lUinoy.  I  guess  Paris  is  quite 
a  town.  She  says  "  Way  Down  East " 
has  been  there  eight  times  an'  Bryan 
five. 

Constable  Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  up 
at  Indynoplus  has  opened  a  cut-rate  meat 
shop  fer  salaried  people. 


sz 


Lots  o'  things  go  like  hot  cakes  that 
are  just  as  fer  reachin'  in  their  bad 
effects. 


November 


Two  purty  girls  soon  tall  out. 

S2 

When  a  witness  breaks  down  an'  th' 
defendant  weeps,  justice  generally  loses 
out. 

S2 

No  woman  ever  laces  so  tight  she 
can't  eat  two  dollars'  worth  after  th' 
show. 

S2 


14 


15 


16 


WtbmBiu^ 
17 


UiiinrBhn^ 
18 


19 


&aturiag 
20 


It  haint  no  trouble  t* 
git  along  with  a  woman 
if  you  leave  your  opinion 
on  the  gate  pust  with  your 
pipe. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  merry  widder's  husband  must  a 
been  insured. 

S2 

A  candidate  give  Uncle  Elz  Pash  a 
reg'lar  ten-cent  se-gar  t'other  day  —  but 
it   wuz    broke. 

When  Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  wants  some- 
thin'  she  can't  git  she  alius  says  she'd 
rather  invest  th'  money  in  somethin'  else. 


sz 


Constable  Newt  Plum's  son-in-law  an' 
his  wife  occupy  one-half  of  a  four-room 
flat  an'  th'  radiators  occupy  th'  other 
half. 

S2 

Tell  Binkley  got  a  campaign  se-gar  at 
Shelbyville  t'other  day  that  wuz  so  hard 
he  had  t'  rub  th'  end  off  on  a  stone 
window  sill. 


November 


Some  fellers  git  credit  fer  bein'  con- 
servative when  ther  only  afeerd  o'  hurtin' 
ther  business. 

S2 

Some  girls  paint  an'  others  have  a 
straight  flush. 

S2 

All  th'  world  loves  a  lover  except  th* 
girl's  father. 


Sunday 
21 


22 


WtxtBhug 
23 


24 


QU|urabag 
25 


Jffribag 
26 


daturbag 
27 


November  24,  1908— Army 
circles  shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

A    populist    candidate    gits    th'    straw 
vote. 

Th'   best   absent   treatment   is   a   letter 
full  o*  money. 

S2 

A  long  tongued  dressmaker  never  gits 
th'  June  orders. 

Nobuddy  is  as  helpless  as  a  confirmed 
batchelor  after  his  mother  dies. 


S2 


A  counter  irritant  is  a  feller   that   has 
jist  paid  fer  a  one-rib  roast. 

'Bout  th'  only  thing   long   whiskers   er 
good  fer  is  t'  hide  Christmus  neckties. 


S2 


Constable  Newt  Plum  will  vote  th' 
Dimmycratic  ticket  this  fall  jist  out  o* 
curiosity. 


I 


November 


Enforced    idleness   an'  a  pleasant   wife 
jist  suits  some  fellers. 


^ 


Th'  trouble  *bout  a  baby  in  th*  house 
is  havin'  t*  read  down  town. 


n 


ril   bet   th'    hardest   thing   'bout   prize 
fightin'    is    pickin'    up   yer    teeth   with   a 
)'   boxin'  glove  on. 


28 


29 


30 


SZ 


Th*  financial  scare  has 
caused  so  msuiy  folks  down 
our  way  t'  bury  ther  money 
that  th'  township  looks  like 
a  prairie  dog  village. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  ingredients  used  in  makin*  a  good 
resolution  don't  cost  nothin'  an*  anything 
that  don't  cost  nothin'  soon  rubs  off. 


Tilford  Moots'  niece  from  Clyde,  Ohio, 
has  took  down  sick  at  his  home.  She  is 
a   mute,  so  they  sent  fer  a  hoss  doctor. 


December 


1 


2 


3 


4 


Snowy  December  sweet  Christmas- 
time brings, 

Cheap  manicure  sets  and  bright,  phony 
rings. 


Dark  December  brings  with 
him  the  shortest  day  and  the 
longest  night.  The  Germans 
love  to  speak  of  this  month 
as   Christmonat. 


Johann  Wolfgang  Theophilus 
Mozart,  the  composer,  died  in 
December,  1  792,  at  the  age  of 
thirty-six.  While  yet  in  his 
mother's  arms  young  Mozart 
could  and  did  play  the  accord- 
ion. At  the  age  of  four  years 
he  composed  little  airs  that 
were  quickly  caught  up  and 
whistled  broadcast.  The  sen- 
sibility  of    his    organs   appears 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


to  have  been  excessive — one  bum  note  and 
he  would  slam  the  door  and  throw  a  fit 
on  the  lawn.  The  blast  of  a  trombone  w^as 
particularly  irritating  to  him,  invariably  caus- 
ing him  to  crawl  under  a  bureau  and  there 
remain  until  the  parade  was  out  of  sight. 
He  w^as  a  marvelous  piano  player  and  easily 
the  musical  wonder  of  Europe.  When  a  mere 
babe  his  father  carried  him  about  the  coun- 
try, exhibiting  him  and  keeping  the  money. 
At  Milan,  1770,  an  opera  composed  by  Mozart 
at    the    age    of    fourteen    was    produced    and 

(given  a  run  of  twenty  nights.  He  played 
the  piano  so  constantly  that  his  hands  be- 
came useless  when  employed  in  any  other 
way,  consequently  he  was  as  much  of  a 
charge   as    an  emotional  actress. 

J. 

On  December  twenty-fourth  comes  Christ- 
mas eve — the  eve  before  Christmas.  It  is  then 
that  the  finishing  touches  are  put  on  the 
great  preparations  for  the  gladdest  festival 
of   all   the   year. 

•?• 

The  odor  of  a  new  toy  brings  back  all 
the  memories  of  childhood  at  Christmas  time. 
The  little  stocking  hanging  from  the  mantel- 
shelf; our  joys  and  disappointments;  our  firm 
belief  in  Santa  Claus  and  our  wonder  over 
how  he  ever  reached  the  roof  with  his  sledge 
and  how  he  could  manage  to  get  through 
the  chimney  with  his  enormous  pack;  how 
our  mothers  settled  these  vexatious  questions 
to  our  full  satisfaction,  and  when,  at  last, 
some  boy  at  school  exploded  the  whole  illu- 
sion, how  chagrined  w^e  felt. 

With  the  joyous  Christmas  season  comes  a 
longing    that    fills    the     breasts    of     countless 


De 


cember 


thousands — a  longing  to  be  back  home  again.  | 
Even    to    him    who    has    long   been    lost   to  its  i 
sweet   influences,  to    the    most  abject  and  piti- 
ful    wanderer,  come  visions  of    a  happy  child-  ( 
hood,    heart-choking   recollections    of   someone  I 
near    and    dear   back    in    the    mist    of   years — 
an   irresistible    desire  to   be  back  again,  some- 
where,  some   place.  ( 


What  is  more  beautiful  than  a  Christmas 
reunion  at  home  where  the  hand  of  death 
has  been  merciful  and  the  little  flock,  scat- 
tered for  years,  gathers  again  under  the  old 
roof — mother,    father   and    all    the    children  ? 


5 


6 


7 


WthmBhuQ 
8 


9 


10 


^atur2tag 
11 


\V 
You  have  been  in  the  West 
for  years  and  it  has  been  a 
constant  struggle  for  existence. 
You  are  on  the  road  home  for 
Christmas  and  you  are  bring- 
ing a  young  wife  with  you — 
Annie.  The  railroad  fare  has 
cost  all  that  you  have  been 
able  to  save,  but  how  happy 
you  are!  Annie  w^onders  if 
your  mother  will  like  her  and 
how  your  brothers  and  sisters 
will  look.  You  gather  your 
bags  and  parcels  together  and 
put  on  your  wraps  many  miles 
from  your  destination,  so  eager 
are  you.  How  slow  the  train 
runs !  A  tired  looking  woman, 
dressed  in  dingy  black,  with 
two  small,  sticky  children,  sits 
just  across  the  aisle  from  you. 
They  are  imbedded  in  empty 
paper  bags  and  orange  peel- 
ings, and   the   mother's  hair   is 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


coming  down.  The  forlorn  looking  trio  was 
put  aboard  the  train  Vay  back  in  Nebraska 
by  a  rough,  sullen  looking  man  who  did  not 
even  kiss  the  little  ones  good-bye  or  utter 
one  single  gentle  word  to  the  woman.  Annie 
wonders  where  they  are  going  and  if  anyone 
Vwill  be  glad  to  see  them.  At  last  you  reach 
your  destination  and  your  father  pushes  his 
way  through  the  crowd  of  curious,  felt-booted 
villagers  to  greet  you.  Father  has  not  changed 
much.  A  little  dash  of  white  here  and  there 
in  his  shaggy  ys^hiskers,  and  the  shoulders  of 
his  overcoat  have  turned  a  yellowish  brown, 
but   he    is    still    strong    and    hearty. 

The    old    surrey  is  hitched    behind  the  grain 
elevator  where  Lizzie  can't  see  the   cars.     You 
all   climb    in    and    are    soon    rolling   along    the 
rough    country   road.       You    notice     so    many 
changes    in    the    advertisements    on    the   barns. 
The  tall  oaks  that  stood  about   Hiram  Green's 
house    have   been   cut    away   and    sold.     There 
are  no   doors   or  windows  in  the  old  Williams 
home — the    folks    are  all    dead    and    gone.     A 
sudden    turn   in    the    road    and    you    can    see 
your   home    nestled    among    the  cedars  on  the 
Jhill.     A   woman    is   walking    slowly    down    the 
hill.     As  you  draw  near  you  notice  how  white 
and    frail    she   looks,    how   thin    and   unsteady 
her   hand   is    as   she    unfastens    the  gate.     It  is 
your   mother.     She   wanted    to    be    the   first  to 
embrace    you.     Presently   your    brothers    and 
sister   are    about   you,    and   what    a   welcome ! 
Annie    feels  easier  now.     You  all  walk  up  the 
hill  to  the  house — a  tall,  thin,  unpainted  house 
with    a    summer    kitchen,    but  the  curtains    are 
as   white    as    the    driven   snow. 


Brother  Jim  doesn't  look  very  prosperous,  and 
when  he  awkwardly  bends  over  you  and 
whispers    that    "your    wife    is    all   right,"  you 


D 


ecember 


catch  a  faint  odor  of  cloves.  Poor  Jim  has 
always  been  mother's  favorite.  You  can't 
quite  figure  out  sister  Nell's  hair,  but  she 
strikes  you  as  being  a  stunning  looking  wo- 
man. Nell  is  a  trimmer  in  the  city  and  she 
does  the  buying  at  the  Spring  and  Fall  dis- 
plays. She  opens  Annie's  eyes  when  she 
tells  of  the  wonderful  profits  on  flowers  and 
feathers.  Brother  Henry  has  told  his  house 
some  sort  of  a  story  in  order  to  get  home 
from  Duluth  to  reune.  Henry  is  your  father's 
favorite  and  travels  on  the  road  and  gets  a 
salary  and  a  commission,  too.  He  belongs  to 
all  the  lodges  and  looks  fine  and  single. 
He  tells  your  father  that  he  is  going  to  take 
him  down  East  some  time  and  show  him  a 
few   things,   but   father   only   laughs. 


12 


13 


14 


15 


QIl|urBl^ag 
16 


17 


daturbag 
18 


You  take  a  peep  in  the  par- 
lor and  the  old  musty  smelly 
is  still  there.  Nothing  has  been 
changed  since  the  children 
went  away.  The  glass  cane  is^ 
in  its  accustomed  corner  near 
the  column  stove  and  the  curi- 
ous little  box  made  of  var- 
nished peach  seeds  still  sets  off 
the  center  table.  How  it  caught 
your  eye  when  you  were  a 
child !  You  open  it,  and  on 
the  underside  of  the  lid,  pro- 
tected by  glass,  is  a  lock  of 
chestnut  hair  —  your  mothers 
hair.  The  odd  cabinet  con- 
tains old,  faded  daguerreotypes 
in  clumsy  cases,  held  secure 
by  brass  hooks.  You  gently 
close  the  door  and  join  the 
family.  The  heat  from  the  sit- 
ting-room fireplace  has  had  its 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


effect  on  Jim  and  he  sleeps  peacefully  on  the 
padded  settee.  You  all  go  in  to  dinner  with- 
out  him. 

4. 

The  old,  two -leaf  table  can  scarcely  stand 
under  the  weight  of  dark  colored  preserves 
in  heavy  glass  dishes  of  primitive  design.  The 
same  big  blue  tureen  with  which  your  mother 
went  into  business  is  on  the  board  filled  with 
mashed  potatoes.  The  castor  and  the  bone- 
handled  butter  knife  —  every  familiar  object, 
everything  you  used  to  like,  is  there.  You 
are  eating  at  home  again. 


After  dinner  you  all  walk  out  to  the  barn, 
father  ahead,  to  see  the  new  calf — all  except 
mother.  By  three  o'clock  she  has  the  dining- 
room  and  kitchen  "  tidied "  and  slowly  climbs 
up  stairs  to  her  room  for  a  little  rest — the 
same  low,  back  bedroom,  overlooking  the  cur- 
rant  bushes  and  the  smokehouse. 


D 


ecem 


ber 


Two  is  company  an'  three  is  relatives. 


S2 


Dr.  Mopps  ordered  a  change  o'  climate 
fer  Miss  Tawney  Apple  but  up  t'  noon 
it  hadn't  come. 


S2 


No  wonder  th'  girl  that's  with  th*  same 
feller  four  er  five  nights  a  week  alius 
wants  t'  waltz  with  somebuddy  else. 


Sunday 
19 


Mnnhws 
20 


21 


22 


23 


24 

^aturlnag 
25 


December   22,    1908  — Army 
circles  shocked. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


Th'  day  is  gone  by  when  you  had  t' 
lead  a  girl  t'  th*  altar. 

S2 

Dock  Mopps  injured  his  spine  by 
steppin*  in  a  money  hole  Saturday. 

S2 

Th*  boarders  at  th*  New  Palace  hut-tel 
are  gittin*  up  a  blanket  remonstrance. 

You  kin  generally  tell  how  guilty  a 
feller  is  by  th*  sort  o'  lawyer  he  hires. 

Toadyin'  after  somebuddy  that's  influ- 
ential is  a  never  failin*  sign  o*  inferiority. 

Married  life  haint  so  bad  after  you  git 
so  you  kin  eat  th*  things  your  wife  likes. 

S2 

A  woman  never  asks  her  husband 
how  he  likes  her  hat  'till  it*s  too  late  t' 
kick. 


December 


One   swallow   kin    not   make  a  Spring 
but  three  blonde  milliners  kin. 


S2 


A  long  haired  leader  is  never  stingy 
with  his  music. 

S2 

It  sometimes  happens  that  our  most 
earnest  party  workers  are  fellers  that 
have  t'  move  so  often  they  never  git  t' 
vote. 

S2 


26 


27 


28 


29 


SIIjurBiaa 
30 


3^nbag 
31 


No  matter  how  unap- 
proachable a  feller's  char- 
acter may  be  he  never 
hesitates  t'  ride  on  some- 
buddy  else's  transfer  or 
add  two  or  three  thousand 
t'  th'  population  o'  his  home 
town. 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 

Most  husbands  are  silent  partners. 

Every  girl  would  like  t*  be  fat  no  mat- 
ter what  she  says. 

A  feller  that  leads  a  twenty-payment 
life  generally  welcomes  th'  end. 

S2 

True  contentment  consists  in  not  wor- 
rying about  th'  first  of  each  month. 

S2 

Ther  buryin'  th'  wires  at  Boonville, 
Indianny,  on  account  o'  th'  merry  widder 
hats. 

S2 

I  don't  see  what  some  o'  our  spring 
candidates  expect  to  gain  by  havin'  their 
pictures  printed. 

While  talking  'bout  th'  stage  last  night 
at  th'  harness  shop  Clem  Harner  said 
he'd  never  fergit  ole  Fogg's  Ferry  'cause 
he  paid  t'  git  in. 


YA  0874 


S 
^ 


3> 


